Thursday, October 2, 2014

Self loathing 2

How do I expect people to like me when I don't even like myself?

How do I expect anyone to love me when all I do is hate who and what I am?

How do I expect anyone to stay when all I do is push them away?

Bad, bad, not good, unclean, disgusting. Cut to ease the pain in my head. Cut to push everything away. Blood to cleanse, blood to heal.. What a farce, nothing helps. All there is is pain and hurt and sorrow. Always regrets. Nothing but regrets

I am open walking seeping wound.

Self loathing

I hate myself mostly. I'm filled with such disgust with myself.

I constantly talk to myself, telling me what a terrible person I am... A failure, a disappointment, a burden, a cunt, rotten, broken, unlovable, unloved, an embarrassment. There is nothing good about me, there will never be anything good about me. I am nothing but a lie.

I've spent a lifetime pushing people away. I am very good at it. Part of me figures that if someone really wants to be around me they would stay no matter what I do... That they would be able to disregard all of the bullshit and persist. Not many people do.

To be continued...

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Is that a light?

I am slowly but surely understanding myself better these days. My triggers and why I do what I do.

Not that it makes things any easier for me mind you. Knowing or suspecting that you know why you do something while a small mercy does not mean that it is a complete relief or that your self destructive behaviour is going to cease. It just means that you know or suspect you know which is a hell of a lot more than you did before when you were running blindly into things because you had no idea why.

A light bulb went off in my head last night. I know I want to discuss it with my psychologist... Did I mention that I have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist now? Aren't I the lucky girl.

This realisation such at it was means that I have been terribly unfair to people or maybe just one person in particular.  Noone should have the burden of another to bear especially when outbursts tend to come out of left field and clock then in the head, making them dazed and confused as to what the hell  happened there or maybe just shake their head and say here we go again.

So this shall be discussed and worked on because I am of the belief that once this particular hurdle can be crossed and dealt with I and everyone around me will be a lot better off.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Med update

It's the strangest thing. If I miss one day of meds I go into instant withdrawal. I suspect it is the pristiq.

All I know right now is that my tongue feels heavy, my lips slightly numb and I'm light headed.

Will just sleep it off until it's actually time to take them then. Yup there's an idea.

Did I mention that I'm back on two mood stabilizers and an antidepressant? Yes fun days

Thursday, June 12, 2014

A Slave...

... without a master is like a feather blowing in the wind

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Wow.. Who knew

Found this article... If there were check boxes next to these items I would have a mail against each point

http://www.getesteem.com/lse-symptoms/cognitive.html

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

I really need to stop.

I really really need to stop.

Driving myself crazy. I'm just driving myself crazy

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dignitas

Oh how I wish.

General weariness of life

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Great expectations

I really must learn to manage my expectations. 

It's funny how I don't even realize I even have them until something happens, then I always end up feeling rotten. I can't seem to learn that lesson.

Monday, March 17, 2014

It's easy to give advice and say things like pull yourself together.

Pull yourself together...

So much easier said than done.  The funny part being that the even the ones saying it don't know how such a feat is to be achieved, so how am I to know.

Pull yourself together... You cannot go on like this.
.

Pull yourself together...

I want to, I'm trying, I don't completely know how
I know, don't you think I don't know that