It would be nice not to be given up on
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
By A year ago today the ground was ripped out from under me and I went to a very deep dark place from which I just narrowly escaped.
Saying that I escaped is quite possibly being somewhat optimistic. It's still there, right there buried not so deeply below the surface. Fear and dread that's what's there fear and dread.
This third year I am trying to steel myself. Once again signs are there. There is nothing I could do about it, this I truly have no control over. All I can do is wait.. In fear ... With dread growing by the very second.
I find it hard to forget. It was a lesson, a very hard lesson to swallow, but then I seldom learn from my lessons... I go on to repeat them again and again.
Sleepless nights, disturbing dreams, the quiet sense of slowly losing myself. Holding on virtually by a piece of straw.
I am constantly amazed at this person who has taken over my body and mind... I do not recognise me at all. I have not been able to recognise me for some time now
Monday, November 18, 2013
A pet allows you to own it or more specifically to think that you own it.
Collar it, tag it, microchip it... These things do not prove ownership.. That depends on the way you treat it.
A mistreated pet runs away.
A bored pet runs away.
A neglected pet runs away.
Even a caged pet would bolt as soon as it can manage to get free.
The pet that puts up with one or more of these things and stays does so if it's own free will. Because sometimes even when treated so badly or neglected/taken for granted, that pet loves and loves completely. It's loyal. It's not blinded by the love it feels but instead sees everything clearly. The love it feels, oh that horrid thing called love makes it stay and hope and we all know that there is nothing so cruel as hope.
That's the thing about pets, sometimes they bolt, sometimes they act out but it's only a few that actually leave... What does that say?
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Trying to write something that does not sounds melodramatic, needy or otherwise disturbing and vaguely psychotic is more difficult than I anticipated.
I seem to not be able to articulate these particular emotions very well at the moment. Perhaps I am trying too hard.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
I recently read "The Ocean at the End of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman (I also finished it on a particularly delicate day and was a heaving sobbing mess at the end, I have no idea why apart the fact that loss always affects me deeply. I have mentioned I go into a depression around my birthday right?
“Grown-ups don't look like grown-ups on the inside either. Outside, they're big and thoughtless and they always know what they're doing. Inside, they look just like they always have. Like they did when they were your age. Truth is, there aren't any grown-ups. Not one, in the whole wide world.”
If anyone knows me they would know that I fall into a major depression around my birthday. I've mentioned in the past that I suffer from what I consider to be a Peter Pan type complex...I don't mind anyone else around me getting older, but when it comes to me I say noooooooo!!! Not me! Why Why Why?
So yes a little melodramatic.
This year was no exception to the rule as I, as the title implies, was rounding off my number or leveling up to an unsatisfactory number in my book. If this was indeed a Super Mario game I don't think I would be happy to get that particular mushroom.
The spousal while I was moping was unbeknownst to me planning a birthday party or rather a birthday get together. I came home from a tiring day of running around to notice a tent in the driveway...naturally my thought process driving up to the yard went like this...
There is a tent in the yard
mild panic WHY is there a TENT IN THE YARD?
increasing panic OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAS HE DONE?
So yes, again with the melodrama.
Now truthfully I had noticed (well how could I not) notice that he was powerwashing the yard on Friday night, but it really did not register as anything more than a blip on my radar.
The sweet guy had apparently been planning for a while and even went as far as contacting my best friend (who lives in Houston btw) and asked her if she would fly in for this.
Anyway instead of lying in my bed and crying my eyes out, as I had envisioned the night to go, I was instead surrounded by friends and family and had a pretty decent time. It was a good birthday after all, and even though I'm getting older I still certainly don't intend to grow up.