You reach a point when you realise you don't actually care that much anymore.
I can feel the indifference becoming stronger.
This is good
You make a decision and in fact it is the right decision, the logical thing to do, the best thing to do but then you feel such sadness.
Your insides ache and all you want to do is curl up and sleep.
But it's the best thing and you know it. You will feel better in time, don't expect miracles
How do I expect people to like me when I don't even like myself?
How do I expect anyone to love me when all I do is hate who and what I am?
How do I expect anyone to stay when all I do is push them away?
Bad, bad, not good, unclean, disgusting. Cut to ease the pain in my head. Cut to push everything away. Blood to cleanse, blood to heal.. What a farce, nothing helps. All there is is pain and hurt and sorrow. Always regrets. Nothing but regrets
I am open walking seeping wound.
I hate myself mostly. I'm filled with such disgust with myself.
I constantly talk to myself, telling me what a terrible person I am... A failure, a disappointment, a burden, a cunt, rotten, broken, unlovable, unloved, an embarrassment. There is nothing good about me, there will never be anything good about me. I am nothing but a lie.
I've spent a lifetime pushing people away. I am very good at it. Part of me figures that if someone really wants to be around me they would stay no matter what I do... That they would be able to disregard all of the bullshit and persist. Not many people do.
To be continued...
I am slowly but surely understanding myself better these days. My triggers and why I do what I do.
Not that it makes things any easier for me mind you. Knowing or suspecting that you know why you do something while a small mercy does not mean that it is a complete relief or that your self destructive behaviour is going to cease. It just means that you know or suspect you know which is a hell of a lot more than you did before when you were running blindly into things because you had no idea why.
A light bulb went off in my head last night. I know I want to discuss it with my psychologist... Did I mention that I have both a psychologist and a psychiatrist now? Aren't I the lucky girl.
This realisation such at it was means that I have been terribly unfair to people or maybe just one person in particular. Noone should have the burden of another to bear especially when outbursts tend to come out of left field and clock then in the head, making them dazed and confused as to what the hell happened there or maybe just shake their head and say here we go again.
So this shall be discussed and worked on because I am of the belief that once this particular hurdle can be crossed and dealt with I and everyone around me will be a lot better off.
It's the strangest thing. If I miss one day of meds I go into instant withdrawal. I suspect it is the pristiq.
All I know right now is that my tongue feels heavy, my lips slightly numb and I'm light headed.
Will just sleep it off until it's actually time to take them then. Yup there's an idea.
Did I mention that I'm back on two mood stabilizers and an antidepressant? Yes fun days