Actually....yes

The truth

It has actually been a crap couple of weeks and its getting worse, (who would have thought that that was even possible?) Depression has hit and hit hard, my daydreams are full of blood and death and there is nothing but an impossible emptiness that cannot be filled, a gaping chasm if you will.

It has gotten to a point where all I want to do is crouch in a corner and cry. I'm tired and I want it all to be over.

Dear Santa

Whhhyyyyyyyyyy???

They do exist! they do, they do!

For money is printed on paper and paper is made from trees ergo there is such a thing as a money tree

Feeding Day

Its feeding day and we're big enough to tackle rabbits now



If she looks thick around the middle that's because this is her second helping

Season's Greetings to one and all

Love you guys, have a great one

Gave too much away

There are things I would love to talk about here. Initially I thought that this would be the place where I could put everything, but there are things that I don't want people I know to know about and in the anonymity scale I have failed abysmally. Kiddies if you want to put your shit in public and not let people know its you, don't put pics up, don't put you name up where people could see it and above all don't meet your fellow bloggers in real life. It really does tend to make being open and honest difficult.

No I'm not leaving I am just whinging to myself again. Ah well c'est la vie

So feckin true

Taken from Indexed

Of course left up to me the B circle would be a lot larger

Many thanks to the Coffeewallah for introducing me to so many interesting blogs and sites

The Devil on my back

The Nightmare, by Henry Fuseli (1781) is thought to be one of the classic depictions of sleep paralysis perceived as a demonic visitation

Over the past couple of nights I have been suffering from a wonderful bout of sleep paralysis and accompanying hallucinations, which is exactly the type of thing you need to go through during withdrawal let me tell ya *insert sarcasm here*.

I'm not the superstitious sort far from it actually, but the feeling of being held down against your will while a dark shadowery person takes advantage of you in you own bed is so real that I could well see why the number of folklores that have sprung up around this particular phenomena is so widespread. I must confess that I myself was driven to prayer after realising that it was but a dream of sorts (see you can take the girl out of the catholic faith but you can't take the faith out of the girl).

The following list has been taken from Wikipedia relating to the various folklore surrounding sleep paralysis.

Folklore

In African American culture, isolated sleep paralysis is commonly referred to as "the devil riding your back".

In the Cambodian, Laotian and Thai culture, sleep paralysis is referred to as "pee umm" and "khmout sukkhot". It describes an event where the person is sleeping and dreams that ghostly figure(s) are either holding him/her down or the ghosts can just be near. The person usually thinks that they are awake but is unable to move or make any noises. This is not to be confused with "pee khao" and "khmout jool" which refers to a ghost possession.

In Hmong culture, sleep paralysis describes an experience called "dab tsog" or "crushing demon" from the compound phrase "dab" (demon) and "tsog" (crush). Often the sufferer claims to be able to see a tiny figure, no larger than a child, sitting on his or her chest. What is alarming is that a vast number of American Hmong, mainly males, have died in their sleep prompting the Centers for Disease Control to create the term "Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome" (see Sudden unexplained death syndrome) or "SUNDS" for short; this is now theorized to be a form of Brugada syndrome.

In Vietnamese culture, sleep paralysis is referred to as "ma de", meaning "held down by a ghost" or "bong de", meaning "held down by a shadow". Many people in this culture believe that a ghost has entered one's body, causing the paralyzed state.
In Chinese culture, sleep paralysis is widely known as "鬼壓身/鬼压身" (pinyin: guǐ yā shēn) or "鬼壓床/鬼压床" (pinyin: guǐ yā chuáng), which literally translate into "ghost pressing on body" or "ghost pressing on bed." The modern scientific term, however, is "夢魘/梦魇" (pinyin: mèng yǎn); notice that the character "魘/魇" (pinyin: yǎn) is composed of "厭/厌" (pinyin: yàn), "to detest", and "鬼" (pinyin: guǐ), "ghost, demon".

In Japanese culture, sleep paralysis is referred to as kanashibari (金縛り, literally "bound or fastened in metal," from kane "metal" and shibaru" to bind, to tie, to fasten"). This term is occasionally used by English speaking authors to refer to the phenomenon both in academic papers and in pop psych literature.

In Hungarian folk culture sleep paralysis is called "lidércnyomás" ("lidérc pressing") and can be attributed to a number of supernatural entities like "lidérc" (wraith), "boszorkány" (witch), "tündér" (fairy) or "ördögszerető" (demon lover).[17] The word "boszorkány" itself stems from the Turkish root "bas-", meaning "to press".[18]

In Iceland folk culture sleep paralysis is generally called having a "Mara". Mara is an old Icelandic word for a mare but has taken on the meaning for a sort of a devil that sits on ones chest at night, trying to suffocate the victim.

In Malta, folk culture attributes a sleep paralysis incident to an attack by the "Haddiela" who is the wife of the "Hares", the entity in Maltese folk culture which haunts the individual in similar ways as to those of a poltergeist. As believed in folk culture, to rid oneself of the Haddiela, one must place a piece of silverware or a knife under the pillow prior to sleep.

Kurdish people call this phenomenon a "mottaka", they believe that some one, in a form of a ghost or perhaps an evil spirit, turns up on top the of the person in the middle of the night and suffocates him/her. Apparently this happens usually when some one has done something bad.

In New Guinea, people refer to this phenomenon as "Suk Ninmyo", believed to originate from sacred trees that use human essence to sustain its life. The trees are said to feed on human essence during night as to not disturb the human's daily life, but sometimes people wake unnaturally during the feeding, resulting in the paralysis.

In Turkish culture, sleep paralysis is often referred to as "karabasan" ("The dark presser/assailer"). It is believed to be a creature which attacks people in their sleep, pressing on their chest and stealing their breath.
In Mexico, it's believed that sleep paralysis is in fact the spirit of a dead person getting on the person and impeding movement, calling this "se me subió el muerto" (the dead person got on me).

In many parts of the Southern United States, the phenomenon is known as a "hag", and the event is said to often be a sign of an approaching tragedy or accident.
Ogun Oru is a traditional explanation for nocturnal disturbances among the Yoruba of Southwest Nigeria; ogun oru (nocturnal warfare) involves an acute night-time disturbance that is culturally attributed to demonic infiltration of the body and psyche during dreaming. Ogun oru is characterized by its occurrence, a female preponderance, the perception of an underlying feud between the sufferer's earthly spouse and a;spiritual' spouse, and the event of bewitchment through eating while dreaming. The condition is believed to be treatable through Christian prayers or elaborate traditional rituals designed to exorcise the imbibed demonic elements.[19]

In Greece and Cyprus, it is believed that sleep paralysis occurs when a ghost-like creature or Demon named Mora, Vrahnas or Varypnas (Greek: Μόρα, Βραχνάς, Βαρυπνάς) tries to steal the victim's speech or sits on the victim's chest causing asphyxiation.

In Zimbabwean Shona culture the word Madzikirira is used to refer something really pressing one down. This mostly refers to the spiritual world in which some spirit—especially an evil one—tries to use its victim for some evil purpose. The people believe that witches can only be people of close relations to be effective, and hence a witches often try to use one's spirit to bewitch one's relatives.

In Ethiopian culture the word Dukak is used. Dukak is believed to be some form of evil spirit that possesses people during their sleep. This experience is also believed to be related to use of Khat. Most Khat users experience sleep paralysis when quitting after a long time of use.

In Ireland it is also known as "the hag". The expression originates from reports of an old woman that was believed to be seen near the sufferer during paralysis.

Several studies have shown that African-Americans may be predisposed to isolated sleep paralysis also known as "the witch is riding you" or "the haint is riding you".[20] In addition, other studies have shown that African-Americans who have frequent episodes of isolated sleep paralysis, i.e., reporting having one or more sleep paralysis episodes per month coined as "sleep paralysis disorder," were predisposed to having panic attacks.[21] This finding has been replicated by other independent researchers[22][23]

In Pakistani culture, it is an encounter with evil jinns and demons. It is also assumed that it is due to the black magic performed by enemies and jealous persons. Curses could also result in ghoul haunting a person. Some homes and locations are also haunted by these satanic beings.

In Korean Culture, sleep paralysis is known as 가위눌림 ("ga-ui nool-lim"), which means "pressed by a nightmare".

In Tamil and Sri Lankan Culture, this particular phenomenon is referred to as 'Amuku Be" or 'Amuku Pei' meaning "the ghost that forces one down".

In Malay of Malay Peninsula, sleep paralysis is known as 'kena tindih', which means "being pressed" and always referred as to be done by the evil. Blind spots that sometimes occurred in their visibility is always referred as demonic figure.

In Newfoundland, it is known as the 'Old Hag'. In island folklore, the Hag can be summoned to attack a third party, like a curse. In his 1982 book, The Terror that Comes in the Night, David J. Hufford writes that in local culture the way to call the Hag is to recite the Lord's Prayer backwards. It is also common for believers to claim that those who are not wakened from this paralysis will die.

I have gotten myself mixed up in a situation that does not lend itself much to peace of mind and perfect sleep patterns. I guess this is just another symptom until I could work myself out.

this little kitteh

Now has a home

Hoorahhhh!

I do actually have work to do

see more pwn and owned pictures

Opps I'm doing it again

yes folks the crazy blue girl has decided to once again try life sans medication. I know I know, I know what you're saying...didn't you just try this a few months ago and ended up in hypomania so bad that it scared even you to running back to the pdoc and begging to once again have chemical stabilizers because you just could not do it on your own...errr yes actually nice of you to remember. Also wasn't the state so extreme that it took two mood stabilizers, an anti depressant and at last resort an anti psychotic to put you down? You know when you put it like that this does seem like a pretty bad idea, but what is life without adventure?

No seriously, I need to do this for myself. I find the thought of being on medication for the rest of my life unbearable. I have tried to be as rational as possible about this, I have weighed the pros and cons and yes there are more cons than pros, but I am determined to exert more control over myself than ever before.

Its only been a little over two weeks so far, withdrawal from not one but three meds is actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I feel almost cheated that I'm not getting my usual electric zaps from paxil withdrawal but we can't have everything now can we? My head is fuzzy, dizzy and disconnected, I'm nauseaus and I would like nothing better than to stay home in bed while I get over this. Yes I am a bit grumpy as well, but I find doing this thing that people have been telling me about for years actually does work a bit...you know that whole thinking before you speak thing. I have improved greatly in this regard and one can almost think that I have some element of self control *gasp*

I do however advise caution to anyone approaching me at this time, as my temperament is such that I go from happy happy joy joy *oh my aching head* to my little blue friend beneath in a blink of an eye...isn't he precious?


more animals

Kittens in need of homes

Its times like this that I wish I had a bigger local readership. On the way home tonight I spotted a kitten in the road, it was only when I stopped the car that I noticed that there were two more sitting down quietly on the other side of the road. They were abandoned just a few minutes before I passed as the occupants of the house they were in front of were standing by their door looking at them, they had six dogs so I guess taking in three little kittens was not top priority.

I would do a rant about spaying and neutering your pets, responsibility and even the inhumane way people just drop off their animals when they become nuisances but I really don't have the energy, besides I think I want to spend some more time trying to get these kittens to sit still long enough to take a half way decent picture.

Wouldn't it be great

If this could be the answer


see more puppies

and again Gwah!

When holding on for someone it is best to seek clarification as to when they are going to return to the workplace. For instance when someone says that they will be back on Wednesday, it is best to ensure if they meant that they will be back on the job on Wednesday or back in the country on Wednesday. To think I was so happy yesterday afternoon too.


*weep*

Steups

There is a reason why I don't make plans in advance. I hate, absolutely hate to be disappointed. I was told that my car would be ready today, it would be an overnight job and it would be ready today. Its just a scratch for heaven's sake! Now it won't be ready until after lunch tomorrow.

Yes I'm fussing, not at them just to myself because I know that things happen and it is sometimes beyond anyone's control but I really hate when I'm told one thing and then on the day something else.

Yes when you get down to it I do have quite the list of pet peeves that I'm somewhat obsessive about.

So you know this means I have to travel again today...and I am so not in walking/fighting with the natives shoes

Ha cha cha cha

Work has me majorly stressed, well let me rephrase, the person I'm working for has me majorly stressed right now. I am so glad that tomorrow is my last day here and I go back to my substantive...thank you baby jeebus!

My mood reads like the bloody weather hypermania with scattered bouts of depression. Okay so the depression lasted all weekend, I went to bed on Friday afternoon and didn't get up until 3pm. Apart from that I'm still a fun girl with a tendency to bounce off of the bloody walls and sexually harrass co-workers...good times good times! Aforementioned coworkers should be happy that I'm presently not on the same floor with them cause they may really be in trouble mwahaahah..Oh come on they like it, really they do...the screams are just for show...no really, they are.

Oh and I hit the car

Yes you read that right.

Its at the straightener as I type this.

Its really a scratch, but a very expensive scratch, okay so it may also be a long scratch, complete with dent and obviously something I could not live with. My only consoliation, there was another one like mine there with a scratch as well, what can I say misery loves company.

People keep telling me that while I was driving the 62 I never hit it and now I got this one and managed to hit it before it was even two weeks old *le sigh*