Vomit

I have heard it said that fear is the mind killer, I am not entirely sure that this is true, I am however, pretty sure that the mind is a mind killer.

My brain has been waging a war with me. I would like to say that I have been in a remission of sorts because all of my 'issues' of the past year have all had an external catalyst. This however, this is all me. There is not just one thought process going on, there seems to have been a bit of an avalanche in my brain, all thoughts coming down on me at the same time and me hearing but not exactly feeling everything. I would say I have detached myself but that won't be true either, immersed perhaps.

Irrational fear and panic - check
Feelings of hopelessness and low worth - check
Thoughts of self harm - check
Homicidal thoughts and or behaviour - surprisingly no
The inability to relate to others - well no its actually a cross between apathy and empathy, naturally a contradiction for what would I be if I were not contrary

Someone asked me a short time ago what I thought the worst thing I have ever done was...truth be told the only person that ever suffers by my hand is me. My hate and loathing is internalised, my voice is mute when it comes to articulating anger towards others (drivers don't fall into this category). My anger actually knows no bound when it comes to me and punishing myself and putting myself down. I am my own worst enemy. Things happen and I take no action because it is what I deserve. Irrational thoughts go round and round that mulberry bush.

Can you see the abuse behind the smile? I am my own worst enemy, I know my weakness and I attack. I am my judge, my jury, my torturer, there are extenuating circumstances that stop me from being my executioner but only just. An end to the torment, no sweeter thought than to just be like 'everyone else' to experience normality without having to work so very hard at it. To be happy in/with myself, how hard is that really?

There is no trigger there is only me