and a good riddance to you

Good bye 2009 I shall not miss you at all

You did bring some good and the good you brought was very very good, but mostly you brought turmoil and strife.

I am looking forward to next year, looking forward to see where it takes me. No I am not the type who does resolutions but I do hope to put more in this space or at least decide what I'm going to do with this space. This is entry # 131 which is less than half of what I wrote last year, hopefully that will change.

So fare thee well 2009, don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out

Welcome 2010 please be good to us.

Twas the best of times, tis was the...you get the picture

Good things happen bad things happen

People get sick, some are born, others die

This is basically what the past two days look like, bitter sweet does not even come close to a description.

The mother of one of Spawn's friends passed away on Christmas Eve. She had been sick for a long time and separated from the daughter's father...one of the most heartbreaking moments this year came when she (the friend) said while she was hanging around the Spousal, Spawn and I..."so this is what being part of a family is like". Her parent's are separated and her mother was in and out of the hospital all the time, hard for a 10 year old to take and I could see from her reaction to her mother's death that she put up her own defenses. I worry but I have no idea what I could possibly do.

Also on Christmas Eve a new baby was born, one close by and who I think I will be around a lot. Beautiful little baby girl and for her safe arrival I am very happy.

It is a very difficult thing when someone very close to you gets sick and you can do nothing about it, its even worse when you can't see them or call to find out if everything is all right, you just have to sit back and wait for any bit of information you can get.

As such, you will excuse me if my mood is swinging faster than, well pretty damned fast let me tell you. The average swing lasts only a few minutes but its making life very interesting. Of course because this is the season to be jolly I'm around an awful lot of family and as such my game face is on. Gotta love my game face

Come on 2009 can't wait to see the back of you

Further adventures of a Spawnling

Spawn "How are they going to take the stitches out?"

Me "Well they'll cut the knot off and then pull it gently through

Spawn *in alto voce* "What? you mean I'll be awake?!!!"

Me "Yes you want them to put you asleep to take a stitch out?"

Spawn "YESSSS!!!!!"

Excitable child that, squeamish, doesn't get that from either her father or myself, definitely her own person that young Padawan.

So yes tomorrow the stitch and yes its only the one stitch as all the rest were the type to be absorbed by the body, comes out. Colour small child pleased, colour her more than a little bit excited by the prospect of getting to take off her own bandage tonight and then taking *gasp* a shower! First time in over a week, doctor's orders but he has now given the green light and says that he doesn't want any stinky lil girls coming to see him hehehe

Hey Brain

Its me again, I mean its you again, I mean its us again. Please really I know I asked you this recently and I can't help but notice that you decided to pay me no mind but really all I want is for you to

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

Thanks for understanding

Love always

Me.You.Us.

Well that was...traumatic

Small child aka the Spawn had an operation on Wednesday morning.

On Monday she had been complaining of a stomach ache, a fact I only became aware of on Monday night, but her father and I just explained it away as a gas pain as she is a very fussy child when it comes to eating and absolutely refuses to eat if she does not like what has been put in front of her and no amount of threats or shouting or even cajoling could get her to eat more than a bite or two if she has decided against it (so not my child I love food and will try anything once). Strange that she loves sushi though.

Tuesday morning she woke up with the stomach ache once more and her father said he would stay home with her. When I got home that afternoon she still in pain and at this point we are still thinking gas. I knew she was not faking because apparently she had been sleeping for the majority of the day, she only sleeps when she is unwell. Her father got her to eat breakfast and lunch which she then proceeded to throw up both times. It was only after I had told her to come upstairs and lie down with me did I realise that she had a fever as well... so then my brain begins to tick and go into overdrive...the thought process went something like...

fever?
gas. does. not. cause. fever.
fever and a stomach ache?
fever, stomach ache and vomiting? oh gods

After a quick look at the bb which was next to me to check symptoms I went downstairs and informed her father that we were taking her to the nursing home (private hospital). We got there at about 8, I could go into details but let me just say that in a five hour period she had blood taken and tested, x rays done, an ultrasound and drips, seen by the doctor on call, a paediatrician was called in and then a paediatric surgeon, at which point we were informed that she had acute appendicitis, peritonitis had set in and she needed surgery right away.

Again long story short, she had the operation at 1 was finished at 2 am Wednesday morning. I realised once again that being a parent is difficult, seeing your child in pain and not being able to do anything about it is torture but i'm good under pressure of that sort, sleeping in a chair in a hospital room is uncomfortable and for some reason they try to freeze you to death in there...Spawn had a nice warm blanket we had brought for her but I was left to my own defences both nights, especially since I was not expecting to be in there the second night..ah well, I still have my fingers and toes and I have my baby who is fine which is the most important part.

So yes there we have it, the condenced version of the past few nights

Some would have noticed that the blog had a notice saying only open to invited readers, the invited reader in this case being only me. I was under the impression that I would take a hiatus and removed myself from most places on the web. Well things change rapidly peritonitis sets in and you find yourself needing an outlet so here I am

Vomit

I have heard it said that fear is the mind killer, I am not entirely sure that this is true, I am however, pretty sure that the mind is a mind killer.

My brain has been waging a war with me. I would like to say that I have been in a remission of sorts because all of my 'issues' of the past year have all had an external catalyst. This however, this is all me. There is not just one thought process going on, there seems to have been a bit of an avalanche in my brain, all thoughts coming down on me at the same time and me hearing but not exactly feeling everything. I would say I have detached myself but that won't be true either, immersed perhaps.

Irrational fear and panic - check
Feelings of hopelessness and low worth - check
Thoughts of self harm - check
Homicidal thoughts and or behaviour - surprisingly no
The inability to relate to others - well no its actually a cross between apathy and empathy, naturally a contradiction for what would I be if I were not contrary

Someone asked me a short time ago what I thought the worst thing I have ever done was...truth be told the only person that ever suffers by my hand is me. My hate and loathing is internalised, my voice is mute when it comes to articulating anger towards others (drivers don't fall into this category). My anger actually knows no bound when it comes to me and punishing myself and putting myself down. I am my own worst enemy. Things happen and I take no action because it is what I deserve. Irrational thoughts go round and round that mulberry bush.

Can you see the abuse behind the smile? I am my own worst enemy, I know my weakness and I attack. I am my judge, my jury, my torturer, there are extenuating circumstances that stop me from being my executioner but only just. An end to the torment, no sweeter thought than to just be like 'everyone else' to experience normality without having to work so very hard at it. To be happy in/with myself, how hard is that really?

There is no trigger there is only me

Innocence

At age 11 Spawn is the sweetest, most innocent, carefree little creature in the whole wide world. A fact that most times especially in these few months leading up to S.E.A gives me pause and worry, but at times like yesterday makes me feel happy that she is enjoying her childhood to such an extent.

Her annual letter to Santa Clause was written, decorated and placed under the tree which we put up yesterday. Upon inspection of the letter I came across one sentence to the effect that "Some people try to tell me that you don't exist but I don't believe them". She then gave examples of some friends who said that Santa did not exist and then went on to state that that is why they were so short and not growing. Needless to say I had a good chuckle at that and it still makes me smile just thinking of it, I mean to say Santa must get his retribution somehow and if that way is to prolong the growth process then it serves them right hehehe.

Of course this makes me worry some more about how innocent she is at this age, I believe I had started to tarnish by the time I was 10 myself but on the other hand I am so very happy that this has so far not been the case. The last thing I want is for her to be mini me in any respect so let her keep her innocence, let her keep her Santa, her Ttooth Fairy and every other miscellaneous belief that makes childhood so wonderful. Let me continue to get my kisses and hugs unabashedly in public and not only in private. Let me keep my little girl for as long as possible...but let her grow up enough to realise that S.E.A is real, its almost here and she really does need to get off of that unicorn long enough to pass that exam (oh come on I am nothing if not a realist deep down)

I can read

Every so often something on Post Secret touches me but almost every post I see on I can read I can relate to

Year 1

Its been a year
A wonderful, horrible year
A year filled with emotional turmoil, love and success
So very many ups and downs
But the highs were oh so high and the lows...well they went to the depths
It seems so much longer than a year
The days seem to move faster
so much more is being packed into the average day/week/month
I survived it though
I enjoyed/hated/loved every minute of it
I won't have changed it for the world

ahahaha oh noeeessss

My baby's back

Last night I finally got back my computer and I am doing a happy dance because it is working and working quickly and we finally have access to our usb ports once more. Much thanks to my super duper cousin who is the greatest Computer Guy in the world and an even better cousin.

We're now running Windows 7 which I had hitherto really not given that much thought, as you know its a pc and each new operating system is looked at with suspicion and scorn, but I must say that I am really very impressed by it. Its really the little things, those small little creature comforts that make an operating system worth while, well that and the fact that it works. I will spend more time with it naturally but for now as I said I'm very pleased.

Next pc problem on the list is to get the Spawn's computer back up and running, again. I am still convinced that it is a video card issue but it won't hurt to perhaps slam some more RAM in there even though her needs are very limited at this point...being 11 and only interested in photography, her ipod, msn messenger and doing research for school online.

The Spousal had to go buy a new motherboard for our machine and I should have known better than to send him unsupervised into a computer store. He came back with a new printer (and the motherboard) because its cheaper to buy a whole new printer everytime the ink runs out *sigh*. As much as I did not like the old printer it worked and was only a few months old, okay so he did not buy a high end printer but still.

I shall be spending sometime redoing my bookmarks of which there were many and all neatly organised too. Thankfully most of them I had backed up on del.ici.os so that I could get to them when I wasn't home but there are a few (about 20+) new ones that I had added in recent times but did not update on del.ici.os. I was rather proud of the organisation of my bookmarks as well, all nicely divided into interests, you know, blogs, social networks, shopping, kinks, torrent sites, distractions etc etc ad nauseum. Well it gives me something to do and was probably the only aspect of my life that was ever so neatly compartmentalised.

So happy to have the computer back. It only took me four months to send it to fix after the first issues reared their ugly heads and such a simple matter too. When the power supply went it damaged the motherboard, which of course only being moderately techie we did not know, or for that matter suspect.

This has been my "interesting only to me cause that's who I write for really" post for the day, anyone bored to tears can now disengage and return to your normally scheduled readings