Rantings and Ramblings

For anyone interested

2011-10-25T09:34:00.002-04:00

Breaking my temporary exile from this blog to bring to you the following from a site called Healthline...yes Tracey Rose bugged me enough to come put it up. I actually have not clicked the link so here's hoping its legit 0.O

Your readers / followers may be interested in Healthline's free live expert Q&A session on October 24th at 11am PST (2pm EST).

Users can register, submit their questions & learn more at: The Q&A will be broadcasted from the same URL. If for any reason users cannot attend the event, they can still submit their questions & return to the same URL starting October 28th to see the recorded version of the broadcast.

This thing on?

2011-09-24T16:11:00.002-04:00

Still alive...

Makes sense when you think about it

2010-10-13T10:21:00.002-04:00

The reason that my moods have stopped cycling is because I've been slowly sinking into depression. No more roller coaster rides for me, oh no, instead lets go gently into that abyss and sit huddled in a corner until things shift and I can see the light again.

Apparently when depressed I speak in cliches....oh joy joy feckin joy

xkcd does it again

2010-10-13T10:18:00.001-04:00

Break in transmission

2010-09-23T10:07:00.003-04:00

It seems that once I have stopped cycling and have settled down into a more "normal" state of being that the words dry up.

There is nothing more to say, there are no issues that I need to work out loud, so there is merely silence on the blog front. Who knows when next I shall need this space.

Until next manic mental moment...

For my mother

2010-08-01T18:51:00.002-04:00

Balance

2010-06-01T22:42:00.001-04:00

Something you have to find for yourself, never something you should look for in others.

Its Time

2010-05-28T09:49:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is going to be an especially hard day in my household. We're going to be taking Boy to the vet to put him to sleep. He's has cancer in his face and has been slowly deteriorating for a while now. We have been putting this off, waiting until the last minute, trusting that he would say that the time has come and that he was ready. I don't truly believe that he is saying that as yet, but that could just be because I am in denial.

His face is swollen and distorted, there is a bald patch on his nose where it has swollen, when he opens his mouth you can smell the decay on his breath, his breathing is laboured as his nostrils are almost completely blocked up, but even with all of that he is not displaying the signs of an animal in pain.

He is eleven, he was born a couple of months after the Spawn and grew up with her and has all this time been our boy. He is the only cat I know who would hear a baby crying and run to see what was wrong. He was dragged by his tail by a toddler in a walker on wheels as she zoomed about the room and never did anything to stop her or complain. He waited until he thought she was old enough to understand before he ever showed any sign of disciplining her for hurting him and that only came as placing his mouth on her arm to give her a small nip, she was about eight.

A more agreeable cat there never was, he would suffer in silence during vet visits, car rides and baths, all the things he hated with a passion. He would sit quietly on the examining table and be poked and prodded without biting, scratching or trying to escape, you could actually leave him on the table and walk off and he would just sit there in his discontent and wait for your return. When he was six months I took him to be neutered, I could not bear the thought of anything happening to him while he was under sedation and asked the vet if I could stay and watch the procedure, which I did and stayed for about an hour at the vet's office afterward waiting for him to regain consciousness before taking him home groggy.

The most annoying habit the SU has in my book is the one habit Boy loves more than anything else in the world. When he (the SU) is sitting, his foot (or feet depending on position) is always in motion, Boy would go and sit by it and let it hit his head, getting himself the most, I think violent patting ever. Even now with his swollen face he still goes there while I sit and look on anxiously hoping that he doesn't move his head and the bump on his nose gets hit and hurt.

When I'm lying or sitting on the couch he comes and stares at me until I move around enough for him to come up beside me and get cuddled. Its most disconcerting to be looking at television and suddenly become aware of the fact that you are being looked at most intently by accusing yellow eyes because you have been so inconsiderate as to take up the entire chair. One of the pictures below shows him doing it. Strangely enough while he likes being next to you, with your arm on top or at the side of him he does not like to be held, although before he lost weight it was a wonderful thing to do as he was so fat and cuddly, like a huge cushion that purred and then struggled to get away, leaving you covered with hair...okay so totally unlike a cushion except in terms of squishiness.

The Spawn is taking it hard and rightly so. For as long as she's known herself there has been Boy. I came home and met her upset with swollen eyes yesterday and was told by the SU that he had told her that the time had come and we were taking him to the vet on Saturday, she went upstairs and had a cry and had only just come back downstairs when I arrived. I am trying to decide whether or not she should go with us to the vet. She is no stranger to death, she was introduced to death quite early on with the death of my mother five years ago and then all sorts of miscellaneous creatures that we've had since then, but I don't know. I guess I will ask her and then respect her wishes from there.

The domestic

2010-05-25T14:04:00.003-04:00

For the past few days I have been a woman possessed. Possessed by the spirits of Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker and quite possibly Julia Child. The SU is quite happy about it, especially since the offshoot is that I am cleaning as well as cooking. I pretty much feel as if I have to keep moving, last night after welcoming in the first female Prime Minister to our little rock in the sea, I could not lie still long enough to fall asleep and though I stopped just short of vacuuming the house and waking everyone up, I did have quite the time ironing.

All I have to say to this totally unMe like behaviour is "Help Help I'm being possessed!"

Cyclone

2010-05-18T07:44:00.001-04:00

Strange mood today, well since last night really. I'm having very rapid cycles between ecstatic and foul blood temper, rapid meaning each mood last less than five minutes each but I am doing my best to keep on my game face on and not give into the latter. Sings a happy song.

The good news, however, seems to be that the drought may be over. I am still a bit reluctant to say this but in as much as the capital city is wet and up to its own tricks i.e flooding, it may just be the case. My hope now is that with the continued rain there are no land slides or any more serious floods.

I am limping, a plate fell on my toes a couple of weeks ago and now my little toe is swollen and very painful especially in shoes. Well granted only my work shoes. The plate which fell did not break, my little toe on the other hand while I don't believe is broken is either fractured or sprained, colour me the unhappy camper.

So in synopsis, rapid cycling, rainy weather, possibly fractured toe and game face on. All systems are indeed go

Resurrection

2010-05-06T07:23:00.002-04:00

Its been a while I know, I just come here and look at the page and then go away again.

The Rev a Thon was good, I didn't make it to the finals, I really did not expect to, just went to have fun and I did, I will definitely do it again next year.

My headaches are back in full force making life miserable.

April was not as horrible as it had been in years gone by, maybe grief dissipates enough after five years to make life a little easier...maybe.

Panic attacks have however started back. I've been in a mood for a while, once again a bundle of aggression and anger taking it out on occasion on the unwary friend (sorry William..and Tracey...and everybody), but apart from those times when I go purple and that vein pops out of my head and all background noise stops and the shouting starts I'm fine.

Its been easy to forget for the most part that I have been diagnosed with a mental illness. I have come off and been off of all medication for over a year now and have not spiraled to far in either direction, up or down. Of course with the reemergence of anger and panic coming back it makes me a bit worried that things are going to get back to that point again, my lowest point where life was unbearable.

Anyway came across this today and now really want to see the entire show. I like Stephen Fry but never knew that he was bi-polar as well. You live and learn I suppose.

Guess who?

2010-04-19T12:09:00.001-04:00

Burn baby burn!

2010-03-23T19:47:00.003-04:00

We have been experiencing drought like conditions in Trinidad for the past two months or so. Temperatures are between 35-37 degrees celcius daily and not a drop of water is falling from the sky. Forest fires are raging and many people are without water as the dams are low and water is being rationed in many areas.

I actually passed through the Santa Cruz valley on Friday and was amazed by what I saw. I have seen bush fires from a distance in the past but nothing like this, nothing so bad in my life. Whole hills completely burnt down, with fires still raging and still burning close to people's houses way up high. When I say close to their houses I mean a few yards from them, these houses were in serious danger of being burnt down.

Below is one resident of Maraval's rant on what is going on, while the hills are burning next to nothing is being done.

I'm not surprised really, while people are in hospital having to stay in Emergency on a bench because there are no beds, people dying because there are no drugs, what's a little hill fire, so what if your houses are in danger. Its far more important to have a new centre for the arts, new stadiums to build...forget schools and improving security for the nation, lets host another Summit instead spend millions on that and care not a wit about the people in the country, because after all we can hide the embarrassing bits behind a wall, no leader of another country or his entourage need ever see them. There is no crime problem, there is no real water problem, there is no education or health care crisis, everything is fine and honkey dorie, lets fix the Prime Minister's already lavish accommodation god knows the man works so very hard and we won't even let him have his own private jet.

As I sit here writing this I hear on the news that a house was burnt to the ground by a bushfire in Siparia...a family homeless.

The weather forecast is pretty grim, but more frightening than all these bush fires raging around the entire country is the fact that when the rains do come, because of the fires, many would be in an even worse position than they are now...when the rains come, these same houses will be threatened by landslides. Oh joy!

The countdown

2010-03-21T23:44:00.000-04:00

Five years ago on the 21st March my mother got sick. It was the beginning of the end but we did not know it yet. She went into hospital for the first time today. In the next two weeks she would be in and out of the hospital twice and then finally succumbing on the 3rd April. It began suddenly and ended just as suddenly and unexpectedly.

The year after her mother got sick around the same time, I went to the hospital and joked that she was feeling left out, the joke was on me, she died on
April 23rd 2006.

Every year we relive these times.

The great Guana caper

2010-03-07T16:32:00.005-04:00

Spawn was looking at the television while I was here on the computer, she left to go get my notebook from upstairs so that she could be on the pc too, next thing I knew she came running back into the room and did a flying leap up on the couch

"There's a giant lizard on the step"

me sceptical "A giant lizard"

"an iguana"

I walked towards the back room, that coincidentally has stairs leading down to it, her voice from behind said..."not that step the ones going upstairs"

I peered around the corner and was able to make out a massive body taking up a couple of stairs while its tail trailed down the three below it

"wow big iguana!...I need a picture!" in typical me fashion

It did occur to me that taking a picture would involve flash and the flash could send it scuttling the rest of the way upstairs...I thought about it a second and then...*click* No movement, good.

I looked at Spawn who was still on the far side of the couch with her feet up at this point and told her to call her father and tell him. He was upstairs sleeping having spent the night out fishing. When I heard him moving I called up that it was a really big one, he looked down at it and we had a brief discussion whether or not to cover it with a towel to capture it (my suggestion) or whether he would just try to make it turn around and come back downstairs we opted to the latter.

There was coaxing, prodding, poking and finally the donning of the gloves and picking up. As much as I have always wanted a pet iguana I do have a very healthy respect for them, I have seen enough pictures of what they could do with those claws and from all accounts that tail can pack a punch.

I got my pictures, to touch it, remove something from its eye that was preventing it from seeing out of it and the iguana ultimately got its freedom. Must say I was surprised to see it, I've only seen one other, a pretty juvenile since we've been here. This was a lovely, well fed, possibly pregnant adult, I hope it goes on to have a good life and that no hungry Trini's one of the first things out of the hubby's mouth was that it was good eating size) with a taste for wild meat gets a hold of it

2010-03-07T11:56:00.004-04:00

I lost all sense of urgency the night my mother died. How could anything be an emergency that is not life and death?

The only priority I am sure of at the moment is the Spawn...SEA next week, thank god its almost over, the poor child could relax.

Finding your centre outside of yourself is always unwise. The condition that keeps you sane may not always be there to do so.

Sudden realisation that a condition that you had been taking for granted for a while may actually be a real reason for concern or worry is enough to throw you off of your equilibrium and shake you to the core.

Sometimes taking life for granted because all you're waiting for is death may not be wise.

Beggars are chosers

2010-02-20T21:05:00.002-04:00

I suppose no matter where you live sooner or later you are going to come across someone who is going to approach you and ask for some sort of assistance and mainly in the form of money. I must say of the last two people who have done this the one last night really managed to piss me off royally.

When I arrived home last night the spousal had left the front gate open for me so I was able to drive straight into the yard. He usually comes out when he hears the car drive in to close the gate behind us but last night he didn't hear. On getting out of the car I stopped mid stride as right at the gate was this man who upon seeing my face immediately said "don't be afraid I only want some help" So okay I'm up to helping my fellow man. I went to the gate to close it and listen to what he had to say. He said his hand was broken (showed me his somewhat swollen looking arm) and he was unable to work and wanted to know if I could help him, to which I replied "I don't give money but I could give you food". He seemed disappointed and tried to make me see the error of my ways saying even if I gave him food he had no gas at home to cook it with. So I once again said and even gave him the little story of my last run in with someone looking to appeal to my better nature and ask for money. He listened and said okay he was just going up the road and would return.

Look seriously I do not give anyone money, there are just too many people on drugs and just on "some scene" out there, if you need help take food, I can spare some tins of stuff if I have it but I am not supporting you in any drug habit you may have.

Anyway I went inside and related the story to the spousal who is even less trusting than I am and after putting some tins together, sausages and tuna and bread (things he did not have to cook) and went back outside, spousal went with me cause he wanted to see this character but he was nowhere to be found. We went back inside and a few minutes later he reappeared and called at the gate. I took out the package to him told him what it was, he took it and then said "so no charity then?" I was flabbergasted! All sort of bad words came to mind because what de arse really! I am giving this man food, food that he could eat immediately no cooking required and no only is he taking it and not saying thanks but wanting money on top of it! I wanted to a. take back my damn food and b. bash is ugly ass head in. Instead I said "That is charity, that is putting something in your stomach" and walked off. I heard him mumbling something as I was going back inside but I was seething. It was truly like a slap in the face. My faith in human nature is not very high in the first place and I am so angry that he has made it just that much harder for the next person who approaches me and who may genuinely be thankful for anything they get because he was an ass.

My own fault really, learnt a few things from that especially about the type of person I will give "charity" to.

Life as art as life

2010-02-12T21:49:00.003-04:00

Things went from bad to worse with me recently and so I retreated offline and buried myself in my books and seasons 3 and 4 of Dexter. I came across this scene tonight from Season 4 Episode 5 "Dirty Harry" and it seemed to perfectly sum my present emotional state up perfectly. As much as the Deborah Morgan character irks me and has irked me from the first season, the monologue between 2.10 - 2.41 is the best fit right now.

Its been rough

2010-02-09T10:17:00.002-04:00

But I'm clawing my way back up to the top again. Its getting better...well yes better

The quandary

2010-01-24T09:04:00.001-04:00

Frustration is the name of the game. I want to go spin class in a big way but the sensible part of me is saying "no, wait until you're 100% before you start that back, remember what happened on Monday". Whilst the other part of me is saying "no no you go, just take it easy you'll be fine, you don't have to go as fast or put the tension as high as long as you go"

Now on the third hand my body is saying "I really don't feel all that hot, there is this not quite a pain but yet not quite not a pain in my side and I really do think I'm feeling something in there". So many hands, one poor brain and a battered body. Really I am a mess.

GP who was called after my little 'episode' on Friday. Thinks I should see a surgeon. Onco OBGYN who I saw on Monday thinks I should be fine and "oh by the way you're putting on weight if you really want to be off of the metformin you have to exercise 5 times a week". Then there's me and I'm now doubting myself as to whether what I'm feeling is real or psychosomatic. Thinking back to the last few months before I even considered that there was something amiss in my body I know there were times when exercising that I would be feeling something strange in exactly the same spot that I'm feeling it in now. There would even be times when I'm lying down and my left side would be uncomfortable. There were other signs which now when putting everything together is saying "no fool its not psychosomatic something is really going on in there" *sigh*

So what to do? Go back by Dr. #2 and say check me again. Go with my personal favourite and just ignore till it gets worse or seek out a third opinion?

In the meantime all I really want to do is get on a bike , listen to the music and follow the routine that the instructors give us to do. I want to feel that burn in my thighs and know that ultimately that means I'm getting some bad ass legs that forgetting everyone else I would drool over and can't keep my hands off of.

*winces and turns* What if its all in my head?

Music buffs required

2010-01-19T21:20:00.003-04:00

Okay I am obsessing again.

This time about a song. I have it on a cd somewhere but for the life of me I could only remember the very end where a voice, which I now know to be Bob Rusk from the 1972 Hitchcock thriller Frenzy repeating Lovely...Lovely

Now I want to know the name of the song. If I had to hazard a guess I would say it was an english rather than an american band.

If this sounds familiar to anyone please, please put me out of my misery

Kthxbai!

Right so whilst being stuck in traffic this morning which gives you a remarkable amount of time to obsess further let me tell you, I remembered the name of the song and band...Its the Television Personalities and the song is ~~Razorblades and Lemonade~~ Me and my Big Ideas (fitting really). Thanks for playing, nothing to see here folks, carry on

Haitian SMS

2010-01-15T23:46:00.003-04:00

For those of you Trinidadian's who are on bMobile please remember that you can text to donate.

Text HAITI to code GIVE (4483) to donate $10.00.

Bmobile sends all proceeds to Medianet & Red Cross Relief Funds. Give to save a life.

Oh Joy!

2010-01-14T19:56:00.005-04:00

After living with a stomach ache from hell since last Friday, I finally got persuaded to go to the doctor today. Turns out my handy diagnosis of "gas" which I seem to be using a lot these days was a load of hot air and either have diverticulitis or that brand new cyst that was discovered on my ovary today is the cause of my discomfort.

You would think that it would be a clear cut case, in fact it was pretty clear cut and the diagnosis was diverticulitis right up to the point where the doctor made a comment about the only other thing it could have been was the ovaries but it was too high up to be my ovaries. It was at that point where I mentioned that because of my operation my ovaries had been moved higher up into my abdomen

"What operation? he asked slowly"

"My hysterectomy...what did you think that pretty scar was?"

"I don't know I thought it was some old fashioned type of ceaserian

"Oh"

Turns out, while I had seen this particular doctor before I apparently had not given him my entire history. He knew I had PCOS but had no idea that I had, had cervical cancer and a hysterectomy especially one that involved the lateral transposition of the ovaries *opps*

Yes, so I was shooed out to the building next door for an ultrasound. Not fun let me tell you! I had to drink eight glasses of water and wait non too patiently until I felt like peeing before it could be done. Anyway, my ovaries were located and I have a sizeable cyst on the left one and when the technician pressed on it it hurt, but still...is it that or is it really diverticulitis...join us next time on...sorry got carried away. So now the next step is getting an appointment with my obgyn who I called already but who was out of office so I will have to call him in the morning to get an appointment, so that he can seen the ultrasound, examine me and make his own assessment of the matter...ah life why are you never simple.

As one friend said "I don't have many lady parts left" so to have trouble with my remaining internal lady bits is a bit of a blow and hard to swallow. I am not going to break down, go into a depression or fret about that too much right now, I will not even let the words ovarian cancer get through to my consciousness (oops) and I shall just take it a day at a time, go see my doctor and hear what he has to say and then carry on from there.

All happy, positive thoughts welcome

Blogs of Note

2010-01-12T15:14:00.008-04:00

I received an email yesterday stating that this blog had been chosen as one of the top 30 sites for people with depression, I'm gobsmacked.

A number of really wonderful people, who I do read regularly are also on that list..again I am gobsmacked.

I could think of quite a number of others who should be added to that list and who are a whole lot more comprehensive than myself who I shall mention here in no particular order but rather by whose url I put my mouse on first from my reader.

There and back to see how far it is

Anna Adrift

BPD in OKC

A Splintered Mind

Dipsy Dooldling Around Depression

I know that there are many people that were missed and for that I am sorry, if anyone wants to be added to this list please feel free to drop me a line. This is just a drop in the bucket, it is not exhaustive.

We all struggle with ourselves and while some don't update as much as they have in the past there are good resources on each of these blogs.

Literary Quote of the day

2010-01-07T21:05:00.002-04:00

He who spends time regretting the past loses the present and risks the future

Francisco de Quevedo
(Spanish Writer)

Now I just have to take this piece of advice to heart

Struggles of the mathematical kind

2010-01-05T18:42:00.003-04:00

I will be the first person to admit that I am horrible at maths, in fact if I may be so bold at least 85% of my family is horrid at maths, so it should be no great surprise to me that Spawn type is likewise cursed.

We, as a family tend to be stronger in english and comprehension than we are at anything mathematical and naturally I did not do any research on the Spousal's side of the family before becoming impregnated by him so sadly we don't even have a math scholar on his side as backup..curses! Damn you Gene pool. Note to the young and starry eyed out there...DO YOUR DAMN RESEARCH! JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE THAT IS NO REASON TO REPRODUCE WITH HIM... *cough* oh sorry where was I?

Right so here we are, just a couple of months away from one of the most important moments in her life and we are floundering in the math department. I am doing my best not to stress her out (too much) but we are not going down without a fight damnit! She may not be thankful now but I am hoping that in the years of resentment to follow (actually from the look on her face right now I'm thinking that resentment has started) that she will appreciate what I am trying to do for her in these next few months.

So a test paper a night, complete with corrections done same night
Extra lessons at school and extra lessons on weekends

This is my arsenal, its a battle field out there to get into a good secondary school, competition is harsh so she really has to be pulled up out of this mathematical hole that she is in right now. Truthfully I would be ecstatic with any one of the four choices that we put down, realistically I know that if she does not make the grade for any one of those four, chances are that she can be "zoned" and end up in one of those schools. There is nothing really wrong with "those" schools, I know quite a few people who went through the system there and are great successes, its all in the attitude of the child but the stories about the others who go there...the bad apples that spoil the lot, the scandals, the fighting, the sex videos being passed around on cell phones, the stories of the teachers who either don't give a damn or the male teachers who want to give too much of a damn about your innocent girl children is scary and you don't want your "baby" exposed to that sooner than she needs to be.

So yes, struggles, worries, ill tempered child who resents you, this is it though, these are our last few (not even few) months to pull ourselves together. Its tough being 11 and wanting to be in la la land while your parents and everyone else around you expect you to be more responsible.

And with this comes the damage control, let me away and do some...she is not a happy Spawnlet at the moment

A pox upon my fluffy lil head

2010-01-04T22:42:00.002-04:00

Isn't continuity a wonderful thing? My last cold for the old year has become my first cold of the new year, oh yay me *weep*

Nights have been horrible as it is somewhat difficult to sleep when you are coughing up your left lung while the right one waits its turn. I have been getting the cold a little too often for my liking, it is getting in the way of..I don't know, my enjoyment of life, sleep, exercise, ME!

A few have suggested that its stress related, I tend to bottle things up for~~ever~~ a while and have in the past few weeks been very lax on my routines. I have to have a routine, things have to be done in a certain (albeit in my own special haphazard) way or else I fall apart. Ah well bed rest for the next few days and then I will take it from there I suppose, its all I can do really.

In totally unrelated news, we have finally discovered the reason for the wandering cat bowls in the kitchen. It has occurred to us on more than one occasion that they are frequently at a slant and more to the middle of the room. Whilst sitting on the step this afternoon I observed Hellcat aka Tweakers lying a little away from both bowls with an expression of utter and complete boredom on her face, you know that look cats get? yes that one. She then proceeded to slowly stretch out a paw in front of her until it was barely touching one of the bowls to all the world looking like "oh my poor aching paw felt a bit cramped", just barely hooks it and pulls the side with the water towards her so that she can lie exactly where she is and have a drink. I just sat there and looked at her shaking my head at this new (okay not so new as the bowls have been being pulled to centre of the kitchen for a while now) low on her part and wondered not for the first time since getting her..why? Not why anything, just why?

Passive Aggressive WiFi

2010-01-04T07:03:00.004-04:00

hehehe okay so it made me chuckle, it seems as if TSTT or Telecommunications Services of Trinidad and Tobago Limited has pissed someone off royally but at least its an open source.

Its all the more hilarious because just yesterday on the Passive Aggresive Notes website

they lead you on

2010-01-03T20:37:00.005-04:00

Someone told me fairly recently that they could see the good in me even though or was it because I was surrounded by so much darkness. Its true though, I am surrounded by darkness, so much so, that I don't see the light at times. It is a constant trial to stay on the straight and narrow, to not stray from that well defined path because all those lesser pathways leading off to the right and left seem so very interesting. I make decisions, I play this bloody little game of life to the best of my ability, using only what I have before me.

and now, so it goes...a new game has been set, the players have taken their places and all that remains is for the die to be cast

Happy New Year to you all

2010-01-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

Tucmuc

and a good riddance to you

2009-12-31T17:35:00.002-04:00

Good bye 2009 I shall not miss you at all

You did bring some good and the good you brought was very very good, but mostly you brought turmoil and strife.

I am looking forward to next year, looking forward to see where it takes me. No I am not the type who does resolutions but I do hope to put more in this space or at least decide what I'm going to do with this space. This is entry # 131 which is less than half of what I wrote last year, hopefully that will change.

So fare thee well 2009, don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out

Welcome 2010 please be good to us.

Twas the best of times, tis was the...you get the picture

2009-12-26T20:29:00.004-04:00

Good things happen bad things happen

People get sick, some are born, others die

This is basically what the past two days look like, bitter sweet does not even come close to a description.

The mother of one of Spawn's friends passed away on Christmas Eve. She had been sick for a long time and separated from the daughter's father...one of the most heartbreaking moments this year came when she (the friend) said while she was hanging around the Spousal, Spawn and I..."so this is what being part of a family is like". Her parent's are separated and her mother was in and out of the hospital all the time, hard for a 10 year old to take and I could see from her reaction to her mother's death that she put up her own defenses. I worry but I have no idea what I could possibly do.

Also on Christmas Eve a new baby was born, one close by and who I think I will be around a lot. Beautiful little baby girl and for her safe arrival I am very happy.

It is a very difficult thing when someone very close to you gets sick and you can do nothing about it, its even worse when you can't see them or call to find out if everything is all right, you just have to sit back and wait for any bit of information you can get.

As such, you will excuse me if my mood is swinging faster than, well pretty damned fast let me tell you. The average swing lasts only a few minutes but its making life very interesting. Of course because this is the season to be jolly I'm around an awful lot of family and as such my game face is on. Gotta love my game face

Come on 2009 can't wait to see the back of you

Further adventures of a Spawnling

2009-12-16T14:24:00.004-04:00

Spawn "How are they going to take the stitches out?"

Me "Well they'll cut the knot off and then pull it gently through

Spawn *in alto voce* "What? you mean I'll be awake?!!!"

Me "Yes you want them to put you asleep to take a stitch out?"

Spawn "YESSSS!!!!!"

Excitable child that, squeamish, doesn't get that from either her father or myself, definitely her own person that young Padawan.

So yes tomorrow the stitch and yes its only the one stitch as all the rest were the type to be absorbed by the body, comes out. Colour small child pleased, colour her more than a little bit excited by the prospect of getting to take off her own bandage tonight and then taking *gasp* a shower! First time in over a week, doctor's orders but he has now given the green light and says that he doesn't want any stinky lil girls coming to see him hehehe

Hey Brain

2009-12-14T09:53:00.002-04:00

Its me again, I mean its you again, I mean its us again. Please really I know I asked you this recently and I can't help but notice that you decided to pay me no mind but really all I want is for you to

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

Thanks for understanding

Love always

Me.You.Us.

Well that was...traumatic

2009-12-11T08:43:00.005-04:00

Small child aka the Spawn had an operation on Wednesday morning.

On Monday she had been complaining of a stomach ache, a fact I only became aware of on Monday night, but her father and I just explained it away as a gas pain as she is a very fussy child when it comes to eating and absolutely refuses to eat if she does not like what has been put in front of her and no amount of threats or shouting or even cajoling could get her to eat more than a bite or two if she has decided against it (so not my child I love food and will try anything once). Strange that she loves sushi though.

Tuesday morning she woke up with the stomach ache once more and her father said he would stay home with her. When I got home that afternoon she still in pain and at this point we are still thinking gas. I knew she was not faking because apparently she had been sleeping for the majority of the day, she only sleeps when she is unwell. Her father got her to eat breakfast and lunch which she then proceeded to throw up both times. It was only after I had told her to come upstairs and lie down with me did I realise that she had a fever as well... so then my brain begins to tick and go into overdrive...the thought process went something like...

fever?
gas. does. not. cause. fever.
fever and a stomach ache?
fever, stomach ache and vomiting? oh gods

After a quick look at the bb which was next to me to check symptoms I went downstairs and informed her father that we were taking her to the nursing home (private hospital). We got there at about 8, I could go into details but let me just say that in a five hour period she had blood taken and tested, x rays done, an ultrasound and drips, seen by the doctor on call, a paediatrician was called in and then a paediatric surgeon, at which point we were informed that she had acute appendicitis, peritonitis had set in and she needed surgery right away.

Again long story short, she had the operation at 1 was finished at 2 am Wednesday morning. I realised once again that being a parent is difficult, seeing your child in pain and not being able to do anything about it is torture but i'm good under pressure of that sort, sleeping in a chair in a hospital room is uncomfortable and for some reason they try to freeze you to death in there...Spawn had a nice warm blanket we had brought for her but I was left to my own defences both nights, especially since I was not expecting to be in there the second night..ah well, I still have my fingers and toes and I have my baby who is fine which is the most important part.

So yes there we have it, the condenced version of the past few nights

Some would have noticed that the blog had a notice saying only open to invited readers, the invited reader in this case being only me. I was under the impression that I would take a hiatus and removed myself from most places on the web. Well things change rapidly peritonitis sets in and you find yourself needing an outlet so here I am

Vomit

2009-12-07T21:18:00.002-04:00

I have heard it said that fear is the mind killer, I am not entirely sure that this is true, I am however, pretty sure that the mind is a mind killer.

My brain has been waging a war with me. I would like to say that I have been in a remission of sorts because all of my 'issues' of the past year have all had an external catalyst. This however, this is all me. There is not just one thought process going on, there seems to have been a bit of an avalanche in my brain, all thoughts coming down on me at the same time and me hearing but not exactly feeling everything. I would say I have detached myself but that won't be true either, immersed perhaps.

Irrational fear and panic - check
Feelings of hopelessness and low worth - check
Thoughts of self harm - check
Homicidal thoughts and or behaviour - surprisingly no
The inability to relate to others - well no its actually a cross between apathy and empathy, naturally a contradiction for what would I be if I were not contrary

Someone asked me a short time ago what I thought the worst thing I have ever done was...truth be told the only person that ever suffers by my hand is me. My hate and loathing is internalised, my voice is mute when it comes to articulating anger towards others (drivers don't fall into this category). My anger actually knows no bound when it comes to me and punishing myself and putting myself down. I am my own worst enemy. Things happen and I take no action because it is what I deserve. Irrational thoughts go round and round that mulberry bush.

Can you see the abuse behind the smile? I am my own worst enemy, I know my weakness and I attack. I am my judge, my jury, my torturer, there are extenuating circumstances that stop me from being my executioner but only just. An end to the torment, no sweeter thought than to just be like 'everyone else' to experience normality without having to work so very hard at it. To be happy in/with myself, how hard is that really?

There is no trigger there is only me

Innocence

2009-12-07T08:28:00.002-04:00

At age 11 Spawn is the sweetest, most innocent, carefree little creature in the whole wide world. A fact that most times especially in these few months leading up to S.E.A gives me pause and worry, but at times like yesterday makes me feel happy that she is enjoying her childhood to such an extent.

Her annual letter to Santa Clause was written, decorated and placed under the tree which we put up yesterday. Upon inspection of the letter I came across one sentence to the effect that "Some people try to tell me that you don't exist but I don't believe them". She then gave examples of some friends who said that Santa did not exist and then went on to state that that is why they were so short and not growing. Needless to say I had a good chuckle at that and it still makes me smile just thinking of it, I mean to say Santa must get his retribution somehow and if that way is to prolong the growth process then it serves them right hehehe.

Of course this makes me worry some more about how innocent she is at this age, I believe I had started to tarnish by the time I was 10 myself but on the other hand I am so very happy that this has so far not been the case. The last thing I want is for her to be mini me in any respect so let her keep her innocence, let her keep her Santa, her Ttooth Fairy and every other miscellaneous belief that makes childhood so wonderful. Let me continue to get my kisses and hugs unabashedly in public and not only in private. Let me keep my little girl for as long as possible...but let her grow up enough to realise that S.E.A is real, its almost here and she really does need to get off of that unicorn long enough to pass that exam (oh come on I am nothing if not a realist deep down)

I can read

2009-12-05T19:27:00.003-04:00

Every so often something on Post Secret touches me but almost every post I see on I can read I can relate to

Year 1

2009-12-04T10:54:00.003-04:00

Its been a year
A wonderful, horrible year
A year filled with emotional turmoil, love and success
So very many ups and downs
But the highs were oh so high and the lows...well they went to the depths
It seems so much longer than a year
The days seem to move faster
so much more is being packed into the average day/week/month
I survived it though
I enjoyed/hated/loved every minute of it
I won't have changed it for the world

ahahaha oh noeeessss

2009-12-04T10:32:00.001-04:00

My baby's back

2009-12-04T07:56:00.004-04:00

Last night I finally got back my computer and I am doing a happy dance because it is working and working quickly and we finally have access to our usb ports once more. Much thanks to my super duper cousin who is the greatest Computer Guy in the world and an even better cousin.

We're now running Windows 7 which I had hitherto really not given that much thought, as you know its a pc and each new operating system is looked at with suspicion and scorn, but I must say that I am really very impressed by it. Its really the little things, those small little creature comforts that make an operating system worth while, well that and the fact that it works. I will spend more time with it naturally but for now as I said I'm very pleased.

Next pc problem on the list is to get the Spawn's computer back up and running, again. I am still convinced that it is a video card issue but it won't hurt to perhaps slam some more RAM in there even though her needs are very limited at this point...being 11 and only interested in photography, her ipod, msn messenger and doing research for school online.

The Spousal had to go buy a new motherboard for our machine and I should have known better than to send him unsupervised into a computer store. He came back with a new printer (and the motherboard) because its cheaper to buy a whole new printer everytime the ink runs out *sigh*. As much as I did not like the old printer it worked and was only a few months old, okay so he did not buy a high end printer but still.

I shall be spending sometime redoing my bookmarks of which there were many and all neatly organised too. Thankfully most of them I had backed up on del.ici.os so that I could get to them when I wasn't home but there are a few (about 20+) new ones that I had added in recent times but did not update on del.ici.os. I was rather proud of the organisation of my bookmarks as well, all nicely divided into interests, you know, blogs, social networks, shopping, kinks, torrent sites, distractions etc etc ad nauseum. Well it gives me something to do and was probably the only aspect of my life that was ever so neatly compartmentalised.

So happy to have the computer back. It only took me four months to send it to fix after the first issues reared their ugly heads and such a simple matter too. When the power supply went it damaged the motherboard, which of course only being moderately techie we did not know, or for that matter suspect.

This has been my "interesting only to me cause that's who I write for really" post for the day, anyone bored to tears can now disengage and return to your normally scheduled readings

wallow

2009-11-30T19:59:00.000-04:00

My insecurities will be the end of me. They feed off of my fears and seem to breed in dark places. There is worry where there should be none. Or should I be worried.

My fears stem from the fact that I project myself and the way I would be in a situation (normally) and also from the fact that I am awaiting an unholy smackdown from karma. Which is the real reason why even when I am feeling happy there is always that fear that it would be ripped from me at any minute. I am Karma's bitch.

It would be just though, it would well deserved

So happy it hurt

2009-11-30T10:16:00.002-04:00

I had that sort of moment on Friday.

A moment of pure unadulterated happiness that while on the surface made me ecstatic, bubbling just below was the "its going to go wrong at any second now". Actually I think that is my general thinking whenever I'm happy. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the winds to be taken out of my sails.

...and there it is

Kittycat for the soul or Kittens in my Engine... a soul searching tale of...

2009-11-23T13:14:00.004-04:00

Noone could ever accuse me of ever having a dull moment in my life. Life may be many things but it is seldom ever dull.

So, Saturday morning, all is well and wonderful in the world, I am going to start back spin after missing it for two weeks and on the way to drop Spawn off to lessons. There we are happily winging our way down the highway, nery a care in the world when we start to hear the very distinct sounds of kittens over the sound of the music.

"Mommy I'm hearing kittens"
"Me too" *insert sinking feeling in pit of stomach here "Pull down the back seat and see if you see anything in the trunk?"
"No, nothing in there"

Me internally "crap crap crap crap crap" it could only mean one thing and the engine is hot by this time.

Pull to side of hightway and open bonnet and peer inside to be greeted by wide eyes looking up at me in terror. After a few minutes of kneeling down in wet sandy dirt at the side of the highway and eventually picking up a water bottle on the side of the road and squirting the remaining water inside out RUNS a very frighten kitty (did I mention that we are at the side of the highway), Spawn gave chase until a sharp reprimand from me made her stop and while I took kitty from one side, she came along the other side and grabbed it. Okay phew crisis averted, we get back in car with said kitty and start off again.

Two seconds later...

More meowing

"Mommy that's not the one I'm holding"

Me to self "shit shit shit shit shit!"

Pull over, open bonnet look around, no kitty in sight

After some poking around (in the hot engine) not to mention trying my darnedest to look cute enough for some helpful motorist/good samaritan to stop and possible assist in my trial (to no avail btw) I finally spot the kitty up in a corner, making herself if it were even possible smaller.

Because of her position, I really had an even more difficult time to extricate her from the engine, first just managing to grab her by the back leg and then eventually working my way up her body before she could wriggle away. All this while having my other hand come around in front as far through the front grill as possible to push her towards my other hand that was practically squeezed into a space the exact width of my hand and all the while idly wondering if I would be able to get my arm and the kitty out or if it would be a case of chinese torture device...would I have to make the choice between dropping the kitty to get back my hand, if so then what?

Luckily for me, I finally managed to get her by the scruff of her neck and get both her and my arm out in one piece...well in the case of my arm, black and disgusting but out.

After getting them both out

All cuteness aside I was quite royally pissed. They belong to my new neighbours, whose kitten at about 7 months old got pregnant even though I told them from the goodness of my "really not wanting any more unwanted kittens in the world" heart to have her spayed. She now has all four of her brood back with her and if I am to be any judge of the morals of cats and their fertility, she should be having herself another litter in about 8 weeks and counting (I am very annoyed by this as well).

Not only did I warn them the first time that she was in heat and suggested she get spayed asap, but now her brood running rampant, she keeps eating all of my stupid (they have to be stupid cause they let her without a fight) cat's food thus putting me in expense because she is a greedy sod and eats more than they do. Added to that I have to deal with loud un-neutered male cats coming around singing, spraying (have you ever smelt cat pee) and threatening my Boy, to get a piece of tail and to top even that off, now I have the added worry of having to look for kittens in the morning so I don't end up with Kitty BBQ. Sounds yum but I'm sure it won't smell all that grand, burning hair and all.

Okay yes I'll admit it, the thing that got me the most pissed was that I was almost late for my spin class, thankfully the instructor came in about 2 mins after me.

Title credits go to @witherwanda on twitter

Brain fart

2009-11-20T21:32:00.002-04:00

Everything I write sounds like garbage
not been to spin in two weeks, hell have not exercised in two weeks
could that be the reason I'm in this state
Worried about various things
Worried about everything actually
Inside feels raw
It hurts
Brain is mush
Thoughts run around not finding a home
Miscellaneous thoughts on my dream career in entomology brought on by research into Polistes annularis - lovely creatures, very intelligent or at least I've always found that to be the case
Lots of time being spent sleeping
Going to sleep now
Sleep and mayhap to dream
Nightmares?
Spin tomorrow
Insert thanks to deity here

What am I?

2009-11-18T22:47:00.004-04:00

Many things
Everything
Nothing
Something
Someone

Lost

Viekevie

2009-11-18T22:47:00.001-04:00

Yes

Jessica Hagy does it again

2009-11-18T22:42:00.000-04:00

gacked from Indexed

Slip Slide

2009-11-16T20:28:00.004-04:00

Broken

I never claimed to be innocent

I never proclaimed myself a saint, I've always known myself to be a sinner through and through.

But

I try

Its difficult but I try

Good, sometimes I want to be but its not to be

but

I do try

Valiant efforts made

Dabble in truth for a change

Hurt

Hurting

Try

Trying

Never ever seeming to get it right

I should have known better

2009-11-16T11:11:00.001-04:00

Every single time I think all is well and right in my world and I am happy, truly happy and content..that's when it happens.

I think this is my stop

Close enough

2009-11-16T09:44:00.002-04:00

I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
This invasion makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so, I'm so sick

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

Somehow

2009-11-12T13:52:00.002-04:00

I am not getting time to do anything these days.

Jasper Fforde's Pep Talk

2009-11-10T07:38:00.003-04:00

I started back writing this morning after a long lull brought on both my sickness and general disgust with myself. So open the forwarded copy only to realise that I had not forwarded to myself the most updated version and my word count was less than it was at home but I wrote anyway, it was a deviation from the original somewhat but hey I wrote.

Then I started to explore the NaNo site better and saw this pep talks from different writers including from one of my favourite writers and it made me happy. So here's Jasper's Pep talk

Jasper Fforde's pep talk

Dear Writer,

I once wrote a novel in 22 days. 31 chapters, 62,000 words. I didn’t do much else—bit of sleeping, eating, bath or two—I just had three weeks to myself and a lot of ideas, an urge to write, a 486 DOS laptop and a quiet room. The book was terrible. 62,000 words and only twenty-seven in the right order. It was ultimately junked but here’s the important thing: It was one of the best 22 days I ever spent. A colossal waste of ink it was, a waste of time it was not.

Because here’s the thing: Writing is not something you can do or you can’t. It’s not something that ‘other people do’ or ‘for smart people only’ or even ‘for people who finished school and went to University’. Nonsense. Anyone can do it. But no-one can do it straight off the bat. Like plastering, brain surgery or assembling truck engines, you have to do a bit of training—get your hands dirty—and make some mistakes. Those 22 days of mine were the start, and only the start, of my training. The next four weeks and 50,000 words will be the start of your training, too.

There’s a lot to learn, and you won’t have figured it all in 50,000 words, but it’ll be enough for you to know that you don’t know it all, and that it will come, given time. You’ll have written enough to see an improvement, and to start to have an idea over what works and what doesn’t. Writing is a subtle art that is reached mostly by self-discovery and experimentation. A manual on knitting can tell you what to do, but you won’t be able to make anything until you get your hands on some wool and some needles and put in some finger time. Writing needs to be practiced; there is a limit to how much can be gleaned from a teacher or a manual. The true essence of writing is out there, in the world, and inside, within yourself. To write, you have to give.

What do you give? Everything. Your reader is human, like you, and human experience in all its richness is something that we all share. Readers are interested in the way a writer sees things; the unique world-view that makes you the person you are, and makes your novel interesting. Ever met an odd person? Sure. Ever had a weird job? Of course. Ever been to a strange place? Definitely. Ever been frightened, sad, happy, or frustrated? You betcha. These are your nuts and bolts, the constructor set of your novel. All you need to learn is how to put it all together. How to wield the spanners.

And this is why 30 days and 50,000 words is so important. Don’t look at this early stage for every sentence to be perfect—that will come. Don’t expect every description to be spot-on. That will come too. This is an opportunity to experiment. It’s your giant blotter. An empty slate, ready to be filled. It’s an opportunity to try out dialogue, to create situations, to describe a summer’s evening. You’ll read it back to yourself and you’ll see what works, you’ll see what doesn’t. But this is a building site, and it’s not meant to be pretty, tidy, or even safe. Building sites rarely are. But every great building began as one.

So where do you start? Again, it doesn’t matter. You might like to sketch a few ideas down on the back of an envelope, spend a week organizing a master-plan or even dive in head first and see where it takes you. All can work, and none is better than any other. The trick about writing is that you do it the way that’s best for you. And during the next 50,000 words, you may start to discover that, too.

But the overriding importance is that the 50,000 words don’t have to be good. They don’t even have to be spelled properly, punctuated or even tabulated neatly on the page. It’s not important. Practice is what’s important here, because, like your granny once told you, practice does indeed make perfect. Concert violinists aren’t born that way, and the Beatles didn’t get to be good by a quirk of fate. They all put in their time. And so will you. And a concerted effort to get words on paper is one of the best ways to do it. The lessons learned over the next thirty days will be lessons that you can’t get from a teacher, or a manual, or attending lectures. The only way to write is to write. Writers write. And when they’ve written, they write some more. And the words get better, and sentences form easier, and dialogue starts to snap. It’s a great feeling when it happens. And it will. Go to it.

-Jasper Fforde

Jasper Fforde is the best-selling author of the Thursday Next and Nursery Crime books. He has been writing for twenty years, but only published for ten. His training took a while. His eighth book, Shades of Grey, will be published in January 2010. He lives and writes in Wales, has a large family and likes to fly aeroplanes.

My work at the moment is disjointed but really got to write, must write

2009-11-06T10:43:00.000-04:00

I have work guilt

I should be at work instead of home

God I hate being sick

Now my back hurts cause I've been lying down so much, then again it also hurts to sit down. The only good thing at this present moment vis a vi right NOW at this instant is that I could finally breathe out of both nostrils and my head is no longer hurting.

I should be at work

The Plague the Plague!

2009-11-05T22:15:00.003-04:00

Oh gods I'm plague ridden...no not the piggy, but the common cold (I think) sniffling but not runny nose, more clogged and refusing to allow air to pass, the occasional sneezing and coughing. Gods please misery, me out of now huh? *sniff*

I am days behind in my NaNo, I am actually many thousands of words behind and at my present rate will need to write close to 3000 words a day to keep up. Also whilst looking back on said words I then realise that I hate it, it is chick lit, CHICK LIT! which I despise and should may as well shoot myself just for producing such utter rot. *sniff sniff* Owww my head, my eyes hurt, why couldn't I just think up some nice fiction, maybe some sci fi, invent my own lil world a la Pratchett and murder a couple of thousand people and then be caught by intergalatic warriors, bounty-hunters even and be beheaded in front of cheering crowds...no? yeah that has been overdone hasn't it, very French revolution meet Hitler meet Chronicles of Riddick (which is the only show I could think of right now with bounty hunters, Oh wait Star wars had bounty hunters didn't it and Critters)...which now thinking about it is not actually...nah.

Anyway eyes hurt so I am off the pc, going to redrug myself and go lie in a darkened room and ponder the meaning of chick lit flowing effortlessly out of my little fluffy heathen head. Or maybe I'll just rub myself down with vicks and moan, sniffle and try to draw breath before passing out...yeah that sounds more like it

Heh guess what

2009-11-01T00:24:00.005-04:00

At five minutes to midnight tonight I signed up for NaNoWrimo after all.

There is a storyline bouncing around in my head and tomorrow I start writing. A couple of people have been encouraging me in the wings..you know who you are, so I have given into peer pressure and...well not really I was reading the "What is NaNoWrimo" page and saw the paragraph that said

Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.

Quantity not quality...I could do that! But I shall try to have some quality as well/

Soo ready set...here I go

Ugh

2009-10-28T10:49:00.002-04:00

Oh god I feel like shit, absolute shit. Cranky as hell and my stomach is in knots. I am having a very bad last quarter and that's for sure. Please please let the months fly by, please please let me not kill anyone...please I beg you.

Crap!To say that I'm irritable is putting it mildly, and today for no good reason I just want to cry. It does not help that my salary is almost gone and its not even the new month yet. So I'm broke and moody? What a combination no wonder I feel like causing grievously bodily harm, help help

No go on NaNoWrimo

2009-10-27T17:30:00.000-04:00

Surprise surprise I've backed out again. I shall write but not on a schedule and doubtful unless its an incredibly short story it will be done for the end of November. pity really

Je ne t'aime plus mon amour, je ne t'aime tous les jours..

2009-10-26T17:08:00.003-04:00

We all know my taste in music tends to be a bit for want of a better word eclectic and covering most genres. I discovered Manu Chao quite a few years ago (don't ask I'm horrible with time) and was especially fond of Bongo Bong cause its a fun song, but as I said that was a some years ago and it faded to the back of my memory

So fast forward last month or some such and I'm driving to...or it could have been from work when I hear that Shabba Ranks has a new song...Shabba? he's alive? and still recording? Wonders

Anyway I totally enjoyed the song (which is a first cause my tastes don't usually extend towards Jamaica, sue me) but thought it had a familiar beat and then it hits me (weeks later)...they sampled Manu!

It sounds good mind you, I rather like it but it confirmed a suspicion that I had that actually at this point did not need to be confirmed...ALL ORIGINALITY IS DEAD.

I wondered what you looked like

2009-10-22T13:45:00.005-04:00

Thanks to my friend Tracey I finally get to see my pic from Erotic Art week and so can you (I know exciting isn't it). You may remember that I wrote about it back in July, long story short there was a private photobooth, they gave adults time alone in a room with a camera and a remote, things happen when normally rational people get the chance at anonymity....really!

Check out the photobooth pics on Rodell Warner's page, long time readers will recognise which one is me I'm sure. Some of the pics are NSFW but very entertaining.

Oh btw to the guy at pic 11 "Hi! How are you?" *wibber* You resemble someone I knew once upon a time *wink*

Temper Temper and other such

2009-10-20T22:45:00.005-04:00

Did I mention that I had one? Surely I did, its never that far away, always lurking just near the surface, spend any time around me in real life and you'll see it that's for sure.

This may come as a surprise but I got very angry with someone who found this blog, someone I know. This is my space, my venting ground, this is it! there is no other spot but here and if I put something out there its not to be questioned why. This is where I clear my head (okay not so much of late, I've been ruminating mostly, sue me), I do this for me, I don't do this for you. If I'm cryptic for any reason it means that yes I do happen to know that there is a readership thank you and for reasons of privacy (yes I said privacy on a public blog, deal with it) I don't want you to know exactly what I'm referring to, that is my prerogative, yes I do get one of those all to myself and I choose to invoke it when and where I see fit. No questions on the sly as to what I meant by statement X please, all you get by doing that is one very peeved me, geez!

I'm still pissed, not so much now by the initial questioning but by the response to my not so delicately put statement that I don't want to be questioned. Really! No Really! fuckinhell

But forgetting all that momentarily...next month NaNoWrimo, 50,000 words in 30 days. I've always wanted to do it, I'm thinking I should this time around...it would help if I got a plot or storyline down right about now huh

Oh and have finally started P90 to kick start my weightloss once more. I just realised today that I've all told lost 30 lbs since starting out, that is nothing to be sneezed at...between Feb and now I lost 20 lbs alone. I am quite pleased with myself, all I need is to lose 10 more pounds (ok 15 really) and I will be at my goal weight. Not to bad not to bad at all. Okay have cheered self up, goodnight

I love you, I love you I do I do!

2009-10-17T00:33:00.000-04:00

yeah...sad really, title says it all

This is your life, get a crack on then

2009-10-16T21:43:00.005-04:00

More than the past the future haunts me more than anything else. I'm not quite the pessimist, I prefer to think of my self as the realist, the reality being that the majority of the time quite frankly shit happens. Maybe it is that I tend to look at a positive attitude as setting yourself up for a fall, best think the worst is going to happen and then that way you are pleasantly surprised when it all turns out well in the end. This has always been my way, could you imagine my teenage years? If Emo was a descriptor during those years I guess that is what I would have been labelled as. I'm not though, emo I mean...emotional yes okay maybe I am but without the benefit of the cool hair and clothes, damn that sucks!

The funny thing is that I know exactly what it is I have to do all I need to do is to get off of my nicely shrinking ass and do what needs to be done, how hard could that be? Can you say procrastinator? I blame my mother, she taught me that word very early on and how to spell it...seems the right recipe for creating one if you ask me. I can almost hear my prepubescent self rationalising it "Putting off for tomorrow what you can do today? Alrighty then, but why only tomorrow? lets try for the Tuesday after next shall I?" Yes that worked out nicely...NOT!

The knowledge that I am not quite as young as I used to be does seem to help spur me on though. There are things that need to be done, I need to become more serious and take the steps I need to to ensure success. I shall too, I most definitely shall.

Down in that hole

2009-10-14T11:24:00.004-04:00

but not too far down.

I have been flirting with low grade depression for about a week now...well I know it was there before my uncle died so I can't blame him for it. Its not that bad, I still give off the air of happy happy joy joy except to those who are looking carefully...stop looking so carefully!

The funeral was nice, there was parang afterwards, he was a big parang man, one of the days of the wake his parang buddies came to the house to sing I wish I could have gone down that night. He was a great musician and played all told seven different musical instruments but he loved the flute the most. One bit of trivia I did not know (because I am oblivious to current events is that he performed at the Summit of the Americas. Oblivious I say.

So why so glum chum?

Not a bloody clue

What you gonna do about it?

Just ignore it must go away right?

After which...

2009-10-07T21:34:00.003-04:00

Its been a grumpy day, I've been very agitated really, restless. Quite typical of me actually, I get worried about one thing and then that one thing turns into another and then it morphs into something totally unrelated to the first thing I was irritate/worried/anxious about and then I really spiral out of control into physical manifestations of ills...oh oh oh feckin joy! Its actually quite difficult once I start to figure out what triggered me in the first place and work myself back to the beginning to that very first thought, you know the one...that niggling nagging one that starts the dirty little ball rolling.

Thoughts of my own and the Spousal unit's mortality have once again been brought home to me. Not I'm not anxious about death, you know I'll welcome myself quite willingly into its sweet embrace, no actually I'm worried about the Spawn who will be left behind and her financial wellbeing.

No insurance company is going to touch me with a ten foot pole and due to circumstances the SU's insurance policy also fell through. True we both have annuities but I would like to leave something substantial to the spawn should we go suddenly. I really need to get this man insured and insured quickly...well either that or I have to find some old fool like my uncle...but lets not go there.

Procrastination, we are famous for it, but some things cannot be put off for too long. My biggest fear is that poor Spawn is left penniless and in debt when we go, I don't want that for my child. I don't want her to have to worry about the cost of funeral expenses and living after the fact. It would be my greatest wish if my daughter does not have to worry at all about finances after we're gone. I want her to be comfortable and well provided for, is that shallow? No I don't think so, I think that's what every parent wants for their child, for that child to be well taken cared of in all eventualities.

Thank god for death in a way I suppose, because even though I do dwell on these thoughts from time to time, which is another reason why I am determined to go back to school, so that I could get a higher paying job and be able to care for my family in a manner which I find acceptable and thoughts of insurance do play on my mind as I am the realistic type and do not expect or wish to be around forever, sometimes it takes a death to show you just how fragile life really is. Here today, gone tomorrow, isn't that the truth?

Growl!

2009-10-06T22:33:00.002-04:00

One of my uncles died on Saturday, my mother's brother. I had the unenviable task of breaking the news to one of his daughters, that was very very hard.

I am so angry at him right now, I can't or actually that should read won't go into any details but I am just so angry with him and the mess he made of things. I just cannot believe that he could be such an ass!

Funeral Friday

I'm gonna kick tomorrow

2009-10-02T22:16:00.001-04:00

Ugh

2009-09-30T19:55:00.002-04:00

I'm having a bad night such as I haven't had in a few months

I honestly think I'm going mad and there is no real catalyst for it.

Racing thoughts and bad temper oh my

I also hate the fact that 33 1/3 exists, it is nothing but trouble. Math is not my friend

Bollywood went Hollywood

2009-09-28T08:05:00.000-04:00

*dies*

It says a lot

2009-09-27T18:39:00.000-04:00

...When the first question asked is not "how are you?"

2009-09-26T22:47:00.002-04:00

The entire day was spent in bed today, well no that's not entirely accurate, I spent 95% of the day in bed today, have not done that in a while. The only reason I got up was to go to the supermarket to get supplies for the spawn, then straight home and back to bed. Hunger got me out of the bed tonight, having not really eaten since yesterday I guess its only natural that my body should cry out for sustenance.

I haven't been to this place in a while, I haven't felt like hurting myself in a while. I haven't felt quite this hopeless in a while. Give me physical pain over mental pain any day, the physical is transitory, the mental goes on for a whole lot longer. Words hurt, words especially hurt when the person saying the words does not realise that they are saying anything to hurt you. The truth comes out in anger or mild irritation and sometimes when the truth comes to the fore only then do you realise that you were habouring hope somewhere in your subconscious, silly silly creature. Now there's a mistake I'm not going to be making again.

Better..well sigh

2009-09-14T22:22:00.004-04:00

We talked
Things are ok
I just need some time to deal with everything
Somethings got built back up
Other things are being torn down around my ears
Alive and apart from mentally raw, unscathed
Hoping October is better
I would ask how much worse things could get but someone with a sick sense of humor may consider that a challenge and decide to take it up
My life is a rubik's cube, as soon as I get some colours lined up and turn it around everything else gets messed up, for now marriage intact, rest of life...shambles

Image borrowed from flickr from chelsea90210's photostream

It takes two or maybe just one

2009-09-08T06:45:00.005-04:00

I want to thank everyone for their comments and emails yesterday but please don't think the SU a bad person, or mean, uncaring, insensitive or any other thing along that vein. He is a good person and save for telling the spawn and upsetting her he did nothing wrong.

I don't blame him for his decision, he's been through a lot, he's stood by me for many years and I for my part have in all likelihood made his life very difficult. I have a temper and well by being the way I am (read bi-polar) I am prone to mood swings and mini depressions and that must wear on the other party who is trying their best to have a happy, peaceful existence. I'm actually amazed that it took twelve years for it to get to this point, there should be some sort of medal for that sort of dedication.

Okay the timing could have been better and he really did not have to tell poor Spawn anything, but nothing in life is perfect and he's hurt, he's probably more hurt than I am. He thinks I hate him, I don't. I'm not even angry, I guess you could say I'm comfortably numb. I'm hurting for poor Spawnlet, she is really very upset by the prospect of not having both her parents together but she will still have two parents who love her very much.

Anyway don't judge him harshly, he's been through a lot and don't call him names, I have the right to do so, you don't, you don't know what he's been through.

Happy Birthday to me

2009-09-06T19:48:00.001-04:00

We had a fight and he said he wanted a divorce. He told the spawn, she hasn't stopped crying since.

Happy birthday to me
Welcome to the next year of your life

This and that

2009-09-05T21:57:00.003-04:00

10pm Saturday night and I'm home with Spawnlet and feeling a little bit, for want of a better word *blah*, so much so that I just broke my diet and ate a piece of cake I feel dirty now, but I don't believe in denial and if I need a small piece of cake then I'll have it damnit! Its not like I'm losing any weight anyway jeez.

The Spousal is out fishing (where else) and I'm just hoping that he gets home in time tomorrow morning for me to make my spin class. Yes still doing the spin classes and am happy to report that I am now at the front of the class keeping up quite nicely (well more often than not) and my legs are looking better and better, so much so that I'm not adverse to going out in shorts, a feat you would have never caught me dead doing before.

Went to the hairdresser today and she cut mah hair, its styled and a bit shorter and I'm not happy. Being black I have the type of hair one would associate with members of that ethnic group and being my own person I chose to relax or as Americans for some reason call it Perm my hair to have it straight. Unfortunately my hair is prone to breaking and I have to take extra special care of it so that it doesn't...HELLO? Have you met me? I can barely take care of myself much less for hair so I'm a constant victim of breakage. So after my nice little trip to Tobago and being in the pool everyday and letting it dry carelessly and having to comb it out afterward well you can guess what happened. So here I am with a nice little style ugh...it looks alright I only have myself to judge by, the Spousal Unit did not bat an eye when I came in, I suspect he was in too much of a hurry to get in the car and get out of here to go to his precious fishing trip *eye roll*

Looking forward to Monday surprisingly, its my birthday, one year older and non the wiser I'm sure. Nonetheless I am looking forward to Monday.

Still have not resolved the pc problems. I'm currently uploading my pics to my photobucket account for safekeeping just in case. I should really be burning my movies off to free up some space too I suppose. That would be more worthwhile than just sitting around listening to music and feeling sorry for myself, for what reason only my subconscious knows. Funny thing my subconscious, never lets anything out easily, I always have to work hard for my knowledge.

Mayhap I should sleep, yeah that's an idea

Hur Hur hur they said Ur(anus)

2009-09-05T21:52:00.002-04:00

Joke aside this is actually not entirely inaccurate

Your Name Comes From Uranus

You're the type of person who gets bored very easily when things stay the same.

You need, crave, and create change. You love dreaming about the future.

You are obsessed with ideas and theories. You are never tied to your beliefs though. Your life philosophy is constantly evolving.

People see you as a bit eccentric at times, and that's partially true. You are very into your own inner world.

What Planet Does Your Name Come From?

Blogthings: Cheaper Than a Therapist

She's alive! Aliveeeeeeee! Pt 2

2009-09-04T10:12:00.004-04:00

Well my doctor got tied up elsewhere, so I had the choice of either waiting or having the receptionist administer the injection, I went with the latter. It was not bad and unlike the last time its not hurting now, the last time I got localized pain almost immediately and my watcher pointed out that I was a bit out of it last time as well, I can't remember that just the pain hmmm. Right now I have a wee bit of a headache but that could be because I still have not eaten.

1.30

Had lunch, headache went...hmm wonder what caused it ;)

She's alive! Aliveeeeeeee!

2009-09-04T08:56:00.001-04:00

why hello there, did you miss me? I know its been a while, I was on vacation for a while and too busy having fun to post, well at least that is my story and I'm sticking to it. Well I was on vacation and a good time was had by all especially the spawn who was the most important person to be considered. Of course if asked she may say that too many adventures were had (read long drives, we only got partially lost once that was fun).

Coming back out to work has been somewhat bittersweet, while I am happy to be back at work it seems as if two people close to me were affected by office politics, both serious, one resulting in termination of employment, the other could have been seriously detrimental to character, as such I am totally disillusioned by the organisation which is sad.

My computer at home thought that a vacation was needed as well, the first week of vacation the power supply died completely and then when we got that replaced and we returned from our mini vacation we discovered that the usb ports are not recognising anything, so we've been trying to troubleshoot that but I am getting the sinking suspicion that it may be a firmware problem in which case the hardrive will have to be wiped and I should really try to burn all the pictures etc on dvds before we lose everything, that would not be good.

Anyway, here I am back at the doctor's office for my second HPV shot, naturally I'm early and everyone else is late and my stomach has worms that have resorted to eating each other and not a courtesy cup of tea in sight. I have also once again forgotten to bring my medical claim form to get reimbursed oye vey!

Ohh wait something's happening, to be continued

Yay me!

2009-08-20T23:19:00.001-04:00

Got a call from the doctor's office today, the results of my "vault smear" came back negative. I'm now officially three years cancer free and clear.

melodrama's end

2009-08-19T18:14:00.001-04:00

Damn a fine post just got swallowed. I was quite proud of it too as it was shaping up nicely and I had just gotten myself into a groove.

Sufficed to say I am fine, much better, back in the land of the sane and discontent oh sorry I mean content.

My computer's power supply died on Friday sometime so all posts now are being done via blackberry, thank god I bought it or else I would be going stark raving mad about now. I am really okay, spin class last night saved me from a complete melt down of the panic/anxiety attack kind. Thankfully I was able to nip it in the bud in time.

I am trying to be as upbeat as possible, I mean after all I am on vacation and am supposed to be enjoying myself, well if cleaning bedroom and bathroom can be considered enjoying myself. Yes it is. Sad sad life after all, I actually wanted to go to the beach but we decided to be all responsible instead. Anyway Tobago from Saturday so there will be ample time to go to the beach then. Actually it may be the fact that we are going Tobago that has prevented us from buying any food in the house, ole Mother Hubbard's cupboards are bare, there may be a hungry child somewhere in her bedroom, I'm not entirely sure I have not cleaned her room and am a bit hesitant to walk inside there lest I get bitten by something, I am not up to fate with my tetanus shots after all.

Anyway the point is that I am fine, thank you caring nd you are right I will overcome THIS, whatever malady this is.

By the by typos will have to stay as they are as cannot be bothered at the moment, not that I ever am now that I think of it, but you love me typos and all

adrift

2009-08-18T18:44:00.000-04:00

I'm in trouble, in fact I'm in the biggest trouble of my life. My stomach is in knots and my mind unquiet, of course there is the argument to be had that my mind is seldom quiet but that is neither here nor there.

The trouble with depending on something for your general sanity and peace of mind is that when it is absent for a time you go just a little bit crazy. Having always prided myself on my self sufficiency and independence this has come as a bit of a shock and by a bit I mean that I am completely floored.

My heart the part oif it that is not jumping out of my chest in anxiety is adrift on an ocean somewhere, oh to be part of a whole again.

fare thee well bloggy friend

2009-08-15T18:33:00.000-04:00

Nan and family are presently embarking on the ultimate adventure, they have packed up shop and are presently winging their way to rthe UK to have new adventures and for her to find all sorts of new things in her boys pocets.

Wee never had the chance to meet Nan but I'll miss you but look forward to reading all about the adjustment.

Bon voyage guys

give me strength

2009-08-14T19:43:00.004-04:00

I am like a small child,or a teenager in constant need of supervision. My inner demons become active as soon as parental supervision turns away from me for a second. This time Iam determined to beat it however, I shall not let it get the better of me, there is too much at stake, too much too llose and this I don't want to lose.

Its going to be a rough time coming up, its not even been a day and I already feel like a junkie in search of my next fix.

Things are different this time, they have to be, they will be! I really can't afford to mess this up.

Cl'amour

2009-08-11T15:23:00.005-04:00

Don't you just love it when your brain blows everything out of proportion and makes everything just seem so *GRRRRRR*

I am being spoilt and difficult and I can't even say why. My rights are well defined and few, they don't have to be stated I know what they are so why am I being such a damned Brat!

The good news, vacation as of Monday w00t! The bad news its only two weeks, should have taken a month and get my bloody system clear.

Take a look at this, just a little blurb I started a while back set in my own comic voice, or at least I think its a comic voice, its a lament really.

This may come as a complete surprise to you but love tends to complicate everything. Don't worry I'll give you a moment to recover from the shock of this rather profound statement *pauses for dramatic effect*

You okay? *peers at you with concern*

Yes I know, no really I know *pats your shoulder gently*

It came as a complete shock to me to, well not so much that it complicates things, I in my genius could have seen that no good could come of that, no the thing that actually came as a shock was that I, a normally level headed, happy type with not a care in the world (ignoring all mental hiccups of course) could act like a complete and utter 12 year old with her first crush upon finding herself hopelessly and seemingly irrevocable in love.

Can you remember that first crush? That feeling you got and that goofy smile that comes to your lips even before you stop it as they walk around the corner. Do you remember that light the object of your affection has around them, that glow, that aura that keeps you looking at them for longer than is absolutely necessary or wise? Yes and now that you think of it don't you feel like an absolute and complete idiot thinking of the way you act? Yes I feel you pain.

Technology is certainly not being of any help to the lovestruck or is that forlorn these days, in fact all technology is doing is making it easier to stalk the object of desire. In a way I'm thankful for technology being as it is, because you know when poor little Spawn gets afflicted by the curse, her ever loving Momma can keep a close eye on her and the little bastard that dares *smirk*

The bad part about it is that I cannot slap myself or anyone of those afflicted folks I see hanging around me. I cannot run up to them and say "it won't last you know" that would be cruel, but at the same time...

As I said work in progress but of course my track record being as it is, now that its seen the cruel light of day I may never come back to it...c'est la vie.

No I don't think I had a point actually

The Sound of Silence

2009-08-11T11:51:00.002-04:00

Everything that needs to be discussed is inside, bottled up because this is not the forum for it. Not everything can be put out there for public consumption, somethings just need to remain private.

Life just feels muted.

2009-08-07T21:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Hysterversary to ME!

Today marks three years since I had my surgery, waiting for pap/vault smear results now to make sure I continue to be cancer free.

Things are good :)

Ack Squee Weeeeee!

2009-08-06T10:38:00.005-04:00

Terry Pratchett has done it again!

The man is showing the world that Alzheimers will not slow him down and has a new book to be released in October 2009

In other Pratchett news, did anyone know that a made for tv movie version of "The Colour of Magic" was made in 2008 and is now out on DVD. I had no idea, Tim Curry is in it. I have not seen that man in years but he was always quite funny and has the most wonderful facial expressions, either way I hope he's not Rincewind... oh good he isn't, he's Trymon, actually quite the excellent pick for the part. Christopher Lee is the voice of Death, again quite a good choice, I love Death! David Jason as Rincewind? but isn't Rincewind a young wiZZard?

Anyway enough book geekism and bookgasms for one day. This girl has something to look forward too, which is always a good thing.

Note to self, get new US Postal address

So it goes

2009-08-05T12:10:00.004-04:00

Friday marks three years since my hysterectomy or my Hysterversary as I like to call it. To celebrate I have booked my appointment for my annual poke, prod and scrape to see if I continue to remain cancer free, should be fun.

In another week I go on vacation at which point we shall head out to the sister isle for some rest and relaxation. The word rest is being used somewhat loosely as spawn seems to have ideas about what activities should take place on our trip. The Spousal Unit and I always try to go at the same time every year, last year did not work out as planned as my vacation got approved for the week after him but this year we are in sync, mainly because I got bullied into submitting the dates months before, I suspect he did not like being without me for a week last time, can't think why? ;) poor fella who could resist me.

Gone is my Paulo Coehlo fixation and my new focus is Kurt Vonnegut, no really its like Pokemon, got to get them all! Slaughterhouse Five spawned the most beautiful six words to have ever been uttered in a sentence "Everything was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt" These words should either be put on my urn or else I tattoo it somewhere...oh well we'll see how that goes

Hey I wrote, course I wrote this yesterday but who cares I wrote!

New ring tone

2009-08-02T18:00:00.001-04:00

This song has been going on in a loop in my head for a few days now

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

Maybe if I write one word the drought will be over...

2009-07-23T10:05:00.007-04:00

Last week I received an email from WriteUp Cafe asking me to become a contributor, I thought about for all of a day and then responded in the affirmative whilst knowing that I am presently in a literary drought where words are concerned, its not a block more of a complete black hole, a vast emptiness that is going on as far as my mind can see.

A friend once told me when I get to this point not to try to push myself but rather just wait it out. Yes I am at times quite at a loss of words, you can usually tell by how many memes or lolcats make an entrance into this space or even when a complete hush falls upon the blog. Thankfully this is never for very long and I quickly get back to my verbose former self.

I must admit that I was quite taken aback at the invitation, having never considered myself a writer or wordsmith, but as with any invitation I get to join anything I figured they must have liked something that they saw to have made me a consideration, more fool they ;). I write about me, briefly touching on the lives of those that share my space but this is mostly about me and my usual general confusion and struggles. I write to make sense out of things, most things make it out here for public consumption but the others either stay bottled up or as rough drafts that I may or may not go back to as time passes by.

Another thing that takes me by surprise is the fact that there are so many of you that are following me. Each new follower is met with absolute surprise (and terror), I can only surmise that you are all bigger masochists than I am but I truly do appreciate your presence and interest, it does confuse me but then again I am easily confused...not to mention distracted...oh look flowers.

The good news is that my concentration levels do seem to be existent and I am quite capable of reading more than 140 characters at a time (lets call that Twitter disease shall we). I have also made the conscious effort to let go of anxiety and just to live without thinking too much of all that could go wrong in the future. Let me just stick to the now, or maybe just two days from now, when you are the owner of a brain that just wants to race towards your ultimate destruction and that is constantly thinking up new and exciting ways to make your daily existence a living hell, its just easier to say "okay enough, lets just make this easy shall we"

and the winner is

2009-07-23T08:52:00.004-04:00

Coming completely out of left field (so far out of left field that it was not even one of the choices at all) and blowing all other competition out of the water is the Blackberry Curve 8900 also quite fondly known as the Javelin.

I am in love but now suffering from complete sensory overload.

Yes I never said I was one to work within the confines of a budget did I, besides apparently the price I was looking at for the Palm Pre was the price with a plan...price without a plan is apparently US$900.00 erm yeah...no

2009-07-19T00:00:00.003-04:00

I am at the same time both incredibly happy and agonizingly sad and miserable. Two sides of the same coin brought on by the same catalyst, something so right and perfect but at the same time heartbreaking.

2009-07-15T18:38:00.002-04:00

You're scared of me because I'm unpredictable and do things and at times have no self control. That makes two of us.

Consequences of exploded brain

2009-07-14T09:10:00.000-04:00

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One of those rare moments

2009-07-13T20:42:00.003-04:00

Its a very rare moment when you get the lil mad ass to sit still, but she's growing up and I think those days are going to become more and more common. She still rushes around like a wild thing, sometimes all you get is the impression that something has passed and see the living room curtain moving. Sometimes you'll be sitting looking at television and from the corner of your eye you'll see her trying to climb the wall, after what? she alone knows. There will be those times when she plays hide and seek with you as you're coming up the stairs and the greeting you get every morning as you walk out of the bedroom, she has such a pretty little voice.

She is still the house favourite, I mean in between those moments when you want to throttle her for some deed that she did knowingly and with malice aforethought. She drives us crazy but we love her.

The hunt is on

2009-07-11T21:26:00.007-04:00

So here I am on the hunt for a new cell phone once more, I could swear I just bought one in December 2007 oh yes that's right I did, a Samsung U600 that lasted almost exactly a year before ceasing to function very suddenly in the middle of emergency gift buying phone calls. I had at that point no choice but to revert to my nokia that I had abandoned even though it was still working quite well, proving once and for all what superior phones that nokia makes.

Fast forward to late June 2009, after having one too many falls, the nokia is in pieces. To its credit it still works once I put it together *le sigh*

That being said you would think I would automatically want another nokia given said track record but no that would be much too easy, I want something with a little more pizzaz. So my choices are as follows:

The Palm Pre: beautiful little phone, I had the Treo 600 before and have a love for Palm so it is in the lead as of now. It has a touch screen, it slides and it has a full qwerty keyboard, can you say squeeeee!

Next up is the wonderful little LG Xenon, it, like the Pre has a touch screen, slides and a full qwerty keyboard, this should tell you something about my likes and dislikes. I love the look of it but am a wee bit discouraged with all the negative comments on gsmarena.com

Finally we have the Nokia E71, no touch screen or slide but it does full qwerty keyboard. Its not aesthetically pleasing to me as the others but that may be a plus. I have been known to get carried away by looks and sacrifice better equipment for more attractive machinery. Nokia as I said before has a strong track record and make very sturdy phones.

This is a very tough decision and I have decided that my budget is US$300, I believe all of these fall within those limits I hope.

Anyway feel free to chime in, offer suggestions etc etc ad nauseum. I have a little time before the final decision is made as I have a friend in the US at the moment who can bring it down for me. Failing that I also have another friend who is leaving the country next week who also offered to bring one down for me, but that means that I will have to live with my pack of cards phone for another three weeks until she returns.

When did I get a stamp saying gullible on my email addy

2009-07-11T21:15:00.003-04:00

Jeez now I am accostomed to having this sort of spam coming to my inbox but not two within minutes of each other. As much as I do want to go to the UK sometime soon, I don't think I will take up these offers, what say you?

I guess people were catching onto the Nigerians so they migrated

Chevron Texaco Oil and Gas Company,
Chevron House,
30 Raffles Place,#25-00
Singapore 048622.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Good day to You. My name Is Dr. Adel Mahasneh
and I am the Company's Secretary Of Chevron Texaco Oil and Gas Company
In Singapore(ASIA DISTRICT).

Please, If this Email Address Is For You, I wish to Congratulate You
and Inform You that Your Urgent Attention Is Needed at Our Branch
Office In the United Kingdom as We Have Good News For You. I Advise You
Contact The Officer Incharge Within the Next 24hrs to Get the News Of
this Life Transforming Offer Coming to You From this Great Company.

Do Contact the Officer-incharge With the Information Below:

Name: David Brown
Email:davidbrownchevrontexaco@live.com
Tel: +44 702 409 8748

Understand that we are not disclosing the good news via this email, for
security reason as the information to Be given to you are vital and
sensitive and will be explained in details soon as you contact the
officer with the above information.

I want to congratulate you in advance and please do not forget to Help
the Poor In the society when chevron texaco makes you a beneficiary Of
there world of wealth.

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Adel Mahasneh
For the ChiefExecutive Officer (CEO),
Chevron Texaco Oil and Gas Company,
Singapore, Asia.

Dear Sir,
I am Francis Milden , I am the Managing Partner of United Kingdom based company H & L
LIMITED, jointly owned by Seigha Davis and Richard Davis.We are in the forefront of
deepwater drilling technology in the Middle east and Africa Region.

Most of today’s offshore oil and gas production is at water depths of less than 300 metres.
At these water depths, the largest reservoirs have already been discovered and the oil and
gas industry is therefore focusing on new areas in deeper water, up to 3,000 metres, to make
new discoveries.

My purpose of contacting you by email is because i would be needing your assistance in
carrying out some business transaction in the coming weeks. I got your contact from a
reliable source in the British High commission. I would like to know if you are capable of
this business relationship. Feel free to email me or call me on +44 704 0111 664 , Fax:
07075023779 ,07075009680 or mail:(francis.investment1@gmail.com) should you be interested.

I patiently await your swift response.

Regards,
Francis Milden
Managing Partner
H & L LIMITED

MAKE SURE YOU REPLY TO:(francis.investment1@gmail.com)

I Need your Help Urgently,Get Back

still sane and yes

2009-07-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

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and that was when my brain went fizzle and pop

2009-07-06T22:27:00.002-04:00

I remember the first time it happened to me like it was yesterday. It was the 16th April 1982, I was nine, we were living in England as my mother was doing her masters. I woke up the morning much like I did every other morning and made my way to the bathroom where upon pulling down my knickers I was greeted with a bloody show...I.WAS.MORTIFIED!

I thought for sure I was dying and walked into my mother's room to tell her that my last moments were upon me. Okay I said I remember it as if it was yesterday but I can't remember the exact details of what transpired next but I know that I was assured that I was not dying and this was a normal part of growing up and didn't I talk to you about this before? No? that must have been your sister. I mean I was nine who is going to talk to a nine year old about menstruation and the like...apparently me. In fact I think I gave the spawn the talk since she was about five, I like to be prepared, at least in theory.

Imagine my dismay this morning when my mother in law calls me up and asks me if I knew Spawn was having her period...Whaa.aa.atttttt? Yes she went to shower and I was picking up her clothes and saw... *insert brain shut down in 5...4...3...*

It was about then that I realise that I really was not prepared.

She called back after Spawn returned from lessons to say it was a false alarm *breathes sigh of relief* then when I get there this afternoon the first thing she could greet me with is *yes it is that thing* At this point I'm hugging the spawn in greeting, be proud of me that I did not clutch at her for dear life, fall to my knees and berate the gods for doing this to my poor child...Oh come on she's only ten for Pete's sake! But then again I did get mine at nine, this apple not falling far from the tree business is beginning to get old.

So I have a Kidult on my hands. She refused to get out of the car when I went pad shopping, this from the child who views Hi Lo Food Stores and Tru Value as some sort of Mecca. Now its been some time since I've had to do this so it took some time of me standing staring at the shelves until I found two brands that I thought she could try. Both nice and thin and extra absorbent...do you have any idea how long its been since I've used a pad? Even before the old drawing and quartering I had not used pads in years, I was a tampon type of girl. My eyes did light on the good old fashion Stay Free maxi pads which makes you feel as if you are walking around with clothes stuff down there and you always had to be on the lookout for leaks for. Why torment the child so, nice slim, streamline with wings that's what we want! It looks like the type of pad I would choose for myself if I were into pads. Comfort with the added benefit of safety..yes those are the keys.

Anyway so after getting home and doing the talk, and then getting her diary and calculating when the next one is due and saying that we will monitor it to figure out what her cycle is, after she left then I felt as if my world was coming crashing down around my ears, it was enough to send me screaming back into therapy and a handful of nice, lovely prescription medication that will hopefully make the puberty into the teenage years and yes even the twenties seem like a lil hazy fuzzy blur. Oh joy!

Its a natural right of passage, just not one I was wanting to encounter so soon on this journey. Poor child is a bit traumatised by it all, she like her mother has Peter Pan syndrome and never wants to grow up and who can blame us

So...why so quiet?

2009-07-03T15:50:00.004-04:00

Everyday I hit the little button marked New Post do one sentence and then abandon it for different things.

Life is okay, the SU and I are still together and he is trying very hard to be more attentive.

I've met some really great people on Twitter which has crossed the boundary from on screen to real life friendships.

I've been going out a lot more

Did I mention that Erotic Art Week just ended in T&T, it was rather good, only got to visit three of the locations but had a blast while I was at each. Tonight is the closing party at Euphoria, I kinda want to go but kinda want to sleep too.

On a related note there are supposed to be wallet sized pics of me floating around, have not seen them yet...anybody have any?

On yet another related note, discovered Drink!Wine Bar, it is the bomb...all I have to say on the matter is Cheeessseeeeeeeeeeeee! They serve other stuff of course but the cheese and tea are my main concerns.

Saw Transformers 2 last night, all I have to say on the matter is that there are no Tigers on the African Continent.

Spin class continues and I must say my thighs do look rather nice.

Clothes fit better, actually I need clothes that fit and jeans are a bit slack, this is not a complaint.

Work continues as normal cept that my paperwork pile seems to have grown exponentially, I am in mortal danger of being crushed by falling piles of paper.

I am mostly content

Spawn is terrific, she got a B- at end of Term and is crushed but even though school is closed extra lessons continue from Monday. Next year is SEA, a whole next level of torment and stress (and that's just for me).

Overall I give life one thumb up, there is room for improvement

Rantings and Ramblings

For anyone interested

This thing on?

Makes sense when you think about it

xkcd does it again

Break in transmission

For my mother

Balance

Its Time

The domestic

Cyclone

Resurrection

Guess who?

Burn baby burn!

The countdown

The great Guana caper

Beggars are chosers

Life as art as life

Its been rough

The quandary

Music buffs required

Haitian SMS

Oh Joy!

Blogs of Note

Literary Quote of the day

Struggles of the mathematical kind

A pox upon my fluffy lil head

Passive Aggressive WiFi

they lead you on

Happy New Year to you all

and a good riddance to you

Twas the best of times, tis was the...you get the picture

Further adventures of a Spawnling

Hey Brain

Well that was...traumatic

Vomit

Innocence

I can read

Year 1

ahahaha oh noeeessss

My baby's back

wallow

So happy it hurt

Kittycat for the soul or Kittens in my Engine... a soul searching tale of...

Brain fart

What am I?

Viekevie

Jessica Hagy does it again

Slip Slide

I should have known better

Close enough

Somehow

Jasper Fforde's Pep Talk

The Plague the Plague!

Heh guess what

Ugh

No go on NaNoWrimo

Je ne t'aime plus mon amour, je ne t'aime tous les jours..

I wondered what you looked like

Temper Temper and other such

I love you, I love you I do I do!

This is your life, get a crack on then

Down in that hole

After which...

Growl!

I'm gonna kick tomorrow

Ugh

Bollywood went Hollywood

It says a lot

Better..well *sigh*

It takes two or maybe just one

Happy Birthday to me

This and that

Hur Hur hur they said Ur(anus)

She's alive! Aliveeeeeeee! Pt 2

She's alive! Aliveeeeeeee!

Yay me!

melodrama's end

adrift

fare thee well bloggy friend

Better..well sigh